I went in for ultrasounds every few days at this point. We went to each ultrasound knowing that day could be the day that Abby would be born. It was a relief when we knew she was okay and also nerve racking when she did not need to be delivered yet. It was one of the most anxious times of my life. Every time we saw the red ultrasound images and we knew there was blood flowing we were relieved and our favorite ultrasound tech would call the doctor in and they would send us home. Still Abby's growth had slowed even more and her delivery was imminent. She had only gained an estimated 4 ounces in three weeks. She had gone from 15 ounces to 1 pound 3 ounces. From 24 weeks to 28 weeks a baby should double in size. She was now barely the size of a 24-week-old baby.
The 19th of January came around again and it was Aaron's 23rd birthday. Aaron had said for weeks that if we could make it past his birthday he would be greatly relieved. Our loss the year before on this day was fresh in our minds and I think we both wanted to get past it without incident. We had a good dinner and celebrated with my family. I would go in for another ultrasound the next day. As I had many times before I asked my dad and Aaron to give me a blessing.
For those not familiar with our faith, a blessing is given by two priesthood holders from our church in time of sickness or trial. They lay their hands on the head of the ailing person and speak words of comfort through the Spirit of God. We believe that the priesthood is the power to act in God's name on the earth, to help and bless people who have faith in Jesus Christ. These blessings were a lifeline for me and a constant source of the peace that I needed. I was so grateful for these good men in my life that could help me feel a measure of peace.
There were times during those weeks that prayer was difficult for me. It is hard to explain feeling that are so close to the heart. It made expressing them even to my loving Heavenly Father difficult. My emotions were difficult to understand and sort out so these reassurances that God was indeed in our lives and knew our situation was very comforting.
I had received quite a few blessings over the course of my pregnancy. I was very grateful for the peace and assurance that the words of these blessings brought to me. That night was no different. I felt at peace that night. I felt calmer than I had for weeks. I had given up the idea that I had any type of control over the situation. I had handed it over to the Lord. I knew that whatever happened from then on was His will, not just for us but for Abby as well. My burden of worry was lighter and I felt the sustaining power of His love and the love of my family and friends.
After the blessing, Aaron and I were sitting there talking and he reached for a little Elmo toy that our niece had left behind at Christmas and began playing with it and casually quipped, "I think Abby is about this size right about now." We chuckled but then realized that Elmo was just about her size. It was a sobering thought. That Elmo was tiny.
We had been warned at the previous ultrasound that the blood flow between Abby and I was decreasing. We knew going into our appointment that today might be the day just as we had every time we went in for an ultrasound. I had been given another round of steroid shots to help strengthen Abby's lungs. That day felt different than the other visits for me. I felt a growing sense of the inevitable news and my feeling of dread returned.
Our goal had always been to get her to 30 weeks. That day I was 27 weeks 6 days. Our ultrasound tech came in. She began the exam. I knew the numbers I needed for my amniotic fluid and I knew about the red blood flow images. I watched the screen intently and watched her face. She was usually talkative but that day she talked very little. I remember asking her questions and watching the screen. I watched her measure my level of amniotic fluid. I knew the numbers were low. Then I watched as she checked the blood flow. The screen didn't show the signs we were hoping to see. Abby was still there on the screen, her heart was beating, she was moving around and I knew by the look on the tech's face that it was time. She was very quiet and I knew she could not tell me anything without the doctor there. She excused herself from the room.
I started to cry silently, knowing that it was not good news. Aaron sat next to me holding my hand and gave my hand a comforting squeeze. We didn't speak much but sat quietly waiting for the doctor. Dr. Johnson came in the room and sat with the ultrasound tech at the machine to confirm what she had seen on the screen. After a minute or two she turned to us and explained our next steps. In summary, she said that we had done all we could to slow down the progress of the clotting. The blood flow from me to Abby was minimal and the thing that is most concerning is that the blood flow from her to me continued.
So in essence her blood was coming to me but my blood was not coming to her. She said that the only way for our baby to survive was to deliver her. The earliest delivery they could manage was the first thing the following morning. I was still taking blood thinners and it would be dangerous for me to deliver so close to an injection. Abby still did not show signs of distress. Her heartbeat was regular and she was stable. I would be hooked up to monitors to make sure that continued. We would need to do another round of steroids for her lungs but she would need to be delivered as soon as possible. The doctor also explained that the safest delivery option would be a c-section. This made perfect sense and I was good with it immediately. All thought of future children and other options were nowhere near my head. To me anything to help Abby was what we would do. Dr. Fine would deliver the baby and Dr. Johnson would be there to assist him. She told us that I would be admitted right away.
Although we had prepared ourselves for this, when the news came, it was a startling reality. It was crazy to think that in just a few hours, we would be parents of our own little baby girl. Our daughter would be born at exactly 28 weeks gestation, a full 12 weeks early. She would have the advantage of having matured to that age gestationally but her size was another issue entirely. We didn't know what that would mean in terms of her chances of survival and no one could really tell us.
We walked over to the maternity ward and we found the room I would be staying in that night. I was surrounded by very pregnant ladies there to give birth to full-term babies and my almost non-existent belly was a reminder of how very different this birth experience would be. I envied their size and wished ardently for the same. I knew that it was not to be and I was sad, worried, anxious. Ready or not, our baby Abby would be born the next day and nothing we could do would stop it. We had no idea what to expect but we were soon to learn everything we needed to know and so much more.
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