The Miracle of Ordinary Days

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 19

2012-01-14T21:44:00.000-08:00

The prospect of having more children after the difficulties with Tyler and Abby's births was a difficult one. When Tyler was 2 and Abby was 5 it seemed to be the right time to start thinking about having more. Abby started Kindergarten in the fall of 2008. She had developed well and really enjoyed school.  There were little things that concerned us. Her class only met for half the day so her school day wasn't long. Her teacher didn't always inform us when she would disrupt the class and unfortunately it seemed to be more often than not that she would interupt. Not in a destructive or mean way but she had a difficult time staying on task and focusing on the work at hand. I wasn't greatly concerned because she was young and learning more all the time. We made it all the way through Kindergarten with glowing reports of her progress in school. She loves to learn and we were happy with her progress. She started reading and very quickly excelled in her class. It was great to see her succeed and to have the chance to get to learn with her. She loved her teacher and her classmates. As a full-time mom, I looked forward to first grade when she could be in school for a whole six hours a day! :)
This time was very good for us. Tyler was growing and doing very well. Abby loved school and her activities.  I was busy with working as a Primary President in my ward and loving that calling. It took up time but was also really rewarding, giving me the opportunity to work with the children at church and wonderful teachers and counselors.
I had been feeling that the time was right to have another baby.  Aaron and I have always been in sync when that decision has been made but because of my other experiences with my pregnancies I was worried that there would be problems.  Feeling that we needed to add to our family and feeling the help of our Heavenly Father in that decision made all the difference for me. I was reminded that he was with us and that there would be something wonderful at the end.
I made it through the first three or four months with no problem.  I was careful with what I ate and went about daily life busily driving Abby back and forth to school and keeping up with the household chores.  Even with all of the problems that we have had being pregnant is a great time for me. I don't get really sick mostly just tired. After a few months my blood pressure began to rise to the point that Dr. Fine had me take blood pressure medication and put me on partial bed rest.  He encouraged me not to put any strain on myself and to bring my schedule to only necessary activities.  I knew that it meant that I would have a difficult time keeping up with my calling. I had amazing counselors and I'm sure that they could have taken up the reigns with no problem but I felt better knowing that someone else would have the responsibility while I went through that time.  It was hard not to get to continue with a calling that I enjoyed so much.
On February 13th, Aaron's dad passed away suddenly. It was a difficult time for all of us. Abby and I had seen him two days before at the store and hadn't known that anything was wrong. It was hard to explain to the kids that he was gone and that he wouldn't be back. We decided during that time that if our baby was a boy we would name him after Mel. Mel didn't really like his first name Melvin much so we decided instead to use his middle name Richard as a remembrance.
In April or May Aaron came to me with the idea that we should move into a house of our own. We had been renting for a while. I was hesitant to move while on partial bed rest but Aaron assured me that it would take just a little time to get everything in place and then we would be able to move a few months before the baby was born and have everything ready by the time he got home. So we went in search of houses in our area to buy in our price range. We found the one we liked and bid on it and started the paperwork at the first of May. Being first time homebuyers we didn't realize the amount of time it would take for everything done and it took until the middle of July to have everything go through.
My blood pressure threatened to turn pre-emclamptic and Dr. Fine ordered strict bed rest at my regular doctors visit. I was at 35 weeks like I had been with Tyler so I knew that he was not in great danger but I hoped beyond hope that I could make it all the way to 38 weeks. That was the day that we found out the closing date of our house! I was on strict bed rest and I had almost my whole house to pack! Yikes!
Fortunately, my very good friends were there for me. Many in the ward had been on watch asking me all the time when I needed help from the ward. It was great to have so many people concerned with my well being. When the time came they were ready with a coalition of friends and ward members to come to my house. Not only did they come with boxes they were ready to pack and clean and they made me lay down on the couch the whole time and just direct them to what needed to be done. My mom and sister-in-law helped with the kids so we could get everything prepared. In just two days they had the new house cleaned and my house packed up to move to the new house. Then other family members and friends helped Aaron move everything into the new house for our first night there. That night I remember laying down in my bed with all of my things around me and thanking God for the blessing of people that were willing to help us. I don't know what we would have done without their love and support.
Every week that went by was a blessing once again but there were no problems. I was able to stay down most of the time so my blood pressure stayed down and I was in all other ways healthy. I was always cautiously optimistic that I would be able to carry full term but I waited for the other shoe to drop. I just expected for there to be problems. But thankfully no problems came our way.
On August 11, 2009 I delivered Nathan Richard Martin a full-term 7 pound 10 ounce fully grown baby boy! The mood in that operating room was nothing like my two previous c-sections. Everyone was laughing and talking to each other, cracking jokes and having fun. Dr. Fine told them about my two previous pregnancies and one of the nurses piped up with, "This is what having a full-term non complicated delivery feels like!" That made me smile and then it made me cry. After Nathan was born they brought him to me, no need for oxygen. I got to see him and kiss his head before Aaron went with him to the nursery. When they left I laid there and silently cried for joy that we had made it so far with a healthy boy! One of the nurses noticed that I was crying and asked me if I was okay. I told her that I was and added, "I'm not used to this!" The surgical team all laughed and got me ready to go back to my room to recover.
It was the oddest, most peaceful feeling to have them bring Nathan into the room. I was almost overwhelmed with the simple joy of it. No need for doctors and nurses and constant care for him. He was ready for just me and his daddy. I was oblivious to pain or discomfort it was just Nathan and I, cuddling, nursing, just us together. No need for bottles or feeding tubes or IV's or ventilators. No need for care times when I could stay only a few minutes. It was beautiful just as every birth should be. A healthy baby, a mom and a dad. Who knew something so simple could bring such joy.
That night was magical for me. It might sound silly but I did not put him down all night. I held him in my arms and on my chest. I didn't sleep very soundly but I didn't care. It was just the two of us hanging out. I watched him while he slept counted all of his fingers and toes. Watched him make all kinds of faces while he slept. Beautiful baby boy.  After all those nights and days in the hospital with Abby and Ty this experience was like heaven on earth. I finally had the chance to experience something "normal" and I savored every single minute. We stayed for a few days and had many come to rejoice with us, including my entire book club, friends, and family.
The day came when it was time to go home. And we did. Without discharge classes or apnea tests. We drove home slowly. Joyfully. Together.

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 18

2011-12-22T22:04:00.001-08:00

Every pregnant lady knows this drill. You walk into your doctor's office and get your blood pressure taken and they test your urine. Do you know why this is a necessary occurance for all pregnant ladies? I didn't until my 34 week of pregnancy with my second child. I had been on partial bedrest for quite a few weeks because my blood pressure had been higher than normal. I had always had normal blood pressure up until this time so I didn't think anything of it. I had not been anywhere near 34 weeks pregnant with Abby so this stage of pregnancy was totall new to me. Abby was at my mom's house hanging out with Grandma. She had just turned 3 years old in January. She was a beautiful, sweet and vibrant girl and anxiously awaiting her baby brother's birth. We were all very excited!

I had started to swell quite a bit. Another rather normal symptom of pregnancy. I kept off my feet as much as possible but I had a busy three-year-old to take care of. I cut down on my sodium intake and hoped for the best. At my 34 week appointment I went into see Dr. Fine. I had been experiencing mild headaches for days and felt very, very tired all of which I attributed to being so far along in my pregnancy.

When I walked into the back of the office they took my blood pressure and urine sample. I can't remember the number for my blood pressure but it was very high for me and I was surprised. Dr. Fine's nurse Jody took me in to lay down. After at least ten minutes of laying on my left side, she took my blood pressure again. It was a little lower but still really high. She went back to find Dr. Fine and he came in. Dr. Fine is always really calm and has a way of breaking news to me that I can take pretty well. He told me that with the high blood pressure and the amount of protein in the urine I would need to be admitted to the hospital so they could monitor the amount of protein and my blood pressure. When there is protein in the urine it indicates that the kidneys are not able to function very well. Higher levels of protein in the urine indicate that the kidneys are starting to shut down. I realized it was serious when he told me I wouldn't even be able to go home to change my clothes or pack anything. He asked me about headaches and I told him that I had a few through the week. Also I had occasionally and more regularly seen stars when I stood up. He looked grim and said they would monitor me but I needed to prepare to have my baby a little early. Under the circumstances I took that pretty well. I knew what having an early baby was like and even if I needed to have the baby that day I knew that 34 weeks was not anything like 28 weeks. Jody gave me a big hug and told me that she was sorry this was happening. She is always so kind to me. Dr. Fine told me he would be up to see me soon.

I went to drive my car around to the other side of the hospital and park where there was overnight parking. I called my mom and told her what was going on. She told me that Abby was welcome to stay with her until we knew what was happening. Then I called Aaron and for the first time broke down in tears and told him that they were admitting me. He told me not to worry and that he would be by as soon as he could.

I was in the hospital for four days. I wasn't allowed out of bed except to go to the bathroom and sleep was hard because I was in bed all day. Even with all of that my blood pressure continued to rise. They took it hourly day and night. I couldn't eat very much because at any time my blood pressure could spike and they would need to deliver the baby by c-section. I tried to keep my spirits up but I felt sad and sick because I couldn't be home and waiting the rest of the time. I was happy to get that far but sad not to get all the way to the end. They pumped me full of fluid to keep me hydrated. I felt like I shouldn't be exhausted but I was. I have never felt so sick in my life.

Finally on March 17th my blood pressure was still very high and the amount of protein that I was spilling was a lot higher than when I had come in. Dr. Fine came to see me and sat down on my bed to tell me that I would need to deliver in the morning. He also told me that he would be transferring me to Deaconess so that I could deliver there. They had been giving me steriods to aid the development of Tyler's lungs but there were still possibilities of problems because he would be delivered via c-section. The birthing process aids babies born naturally to be prepared to breathe on their own. C-section babies tend to have more difficulties with breathing after birth because of this.  I was very grateful that Dr. Fine had the caring and forethought to have us moved up there. He knew that if there were problems Tyler I love you would be transferred to either Sacred Heart or Deaconess for NICU care. This way we would not be separated.

That night was particularly difficult for me. Aaron had stayed home to be with Abby for one more night and I was alone with my thoughts. I felt very lonely and was worried for the baby. I worried that he would have to stay. You would think that having Abby in the hospital would have prepared me to leave another one in the hospital and maybe it did to a certain extent. I still did not want to deliver early and was more worried about him than I was about myself. I was still very down and talked with my dad on the phone that night. He talked with me and prayed with me and made it easier for me to sleep.

We traveled in the ambulance to Deaconess the next morning and went directly to the delivery room. Just as it had been with Abby the room was quiet and full of anticipation. It was not nearly as tense for me because I felt very strongly that he would be okay but it was still a relief to hear him cry. Aaron left with him to go to the NICU. We knew the drill and he was able to follow him back with no problem.

I was taken to my room to recover. With pre-eclampsia delivering the baby is supposed to immediately make the blood pressure go down. This didn't happen for me. My blood pressure stayed elevated. I was in a haze and felt huge and puffy. They gave me Magnesium Sulfate which I would like to dub "liquid torture". The nurse warned me that I was going to feel horrible for a while but that it would help bring my blood pressure down. She was not kidding. I have never felt so sick in my life. They kept the lights in my room low and visitors were not allowed to stay. Everyone came and left except for Aaron and a nurse who sat beside me until I was stable.

The only highlight of this time was Aaron coming in with pictures of Tyler. He looked awesome and I couldn't wait to see him. He weighed exactly 5 pounds and was having some breathing issues but otherwise he was doing well. Again, nothing nearly as alarming as Abby's situation but still not anywhere near a normal birth. I had come into the hospital with a cold and my tendency for breathing problems made this worse. The nurse kept having to remind me to take deep breaths. I remember looking over at the monitor and remembering all the numbers from our time in the NICU with Abby what each of them meant. I watched my oxygen saturations dip down in the low nineties and high eighties. It was odd to be on the other end of the monitor. I was fascinated by that and had to remind myself to breathe deeply and when that didn't work well I had to do breathing treatments to get my numbers up.

One of the side effects of the magnesium sulfate was constant sweating and feeling unbelievably hot and prickly all over. This combined with a plastic bed gave me a giant rash that itched like nothing I had ever had before. My whole body itched from the inside out and I couldn't do anything about it. I felt shaky and sick. I didn't have a clear thought in my head for quite a few hours.  I felt very weak and very out of it. I kept my eyes closed an tried to sleep.

Slowly through the day and night my numbers improved. They took my blood pressure so often that they didn't even take the cuff off of me and sleep was not easy. I don't remember seeing Tyler that day except in the pictures. I wasn't well enough to get up out of bed to do it anyway. Details of that time are very spotty for me. I remember only waking up periodically to see Aaron studying diligently in the corner and the occasional nurse that came to check on me. Later that night I remember telling someone about the rash that I had and their surprise at how bad it was. Aaron left for a little while to have dinner and four nurses came to help me get clean. It was a little painful for me but it felt so nice to be cooled down and to have my hair washed that I didn't care. It had been about a week since I could get up out of bed for one. Nurses are amazing like that. I felt pretty helpless because I had just had a c-section and was sick enough that moving was difficult but they took really good care of me. They gave me a new bed with clean sheets and clean clothes to change into and I felt much better.

I started to feel better as my blood pressure went down. I don't remember how long it took for it to get back to normal but it took longer than it was supposed to. Dr. Fine was off for a day and his partner Dr. Brasch came to see me. I remember that he came in and told me that I needed to buck up and get better or he would not let me see my baby the next day and that I needed to work harder at getting well. I'm sure this was meant to be encouraging but at the time it was infuriating. I am rarely openingly ticked at people but I gave him some saucy words in return. What more did he want me to do? It's not like I was forcing my blood pressure up at will. I'm sure he was trying to tick me off so I would fight a little more but I was seriously done. I wanted Dr. Fine back.  Don't mess with a mommy in pain, mister.

Finally they moved me out of the recovery room and I was in my own room.  My blood pressure was normalizing and I was able to get up and walk.  I had wanted to see him all night but hadn't been with it enough to worry. Aaron went to every care time and gave me updates to how he was doing. It was late afternoon and I was able to visit Tyler.  He had needed the ventilator for part of the night but when I saw him he was on a nose cannula and doing very well. He had frequent central apnea episodes that were the main concern but was otherwise doing well. He was so much bigger than Abby which was such a relief and I fell in love with him instantly. I didn't get to stay very long because I was still weak.

The only other side effect of that really high blood pressure was some eye damage. I had a few blank spots in my vision. It was very strange because I could see everything clearly but there were white spots where there was nothing but white. It was odd for me but it went away after about three months. It was a relief to know that it was not permanent.

Abby came to see me with her Grandma and Grandpa Martin and we were able to show her pictures of her brother. She was so cute and wanted to see him. I was able to go home after four days in the hospital and recover. Leaving Tyler in the hospital was heartwrenching but easier because I knew that he would not be there as long as Abby had been. I tried to make a joke about it by saying that I needed the nurses to get him on a schedule before we brought him home. It did give me time to heal before he came home but obviously I would have preferred for him to come home with us.

Tyler was doing well and his experience in the NICU was much shorter than Abby's. It was nice to be there with him and feed him. It was also cool to visit with the doctors and nurses once again. He was transferred over to the feeding and growing nursery after just a few days. He didn't have the problems with getting tired that Abby did and he could take a bottle and breast feed with no problem. He was still having central apnea spells which prevented him from going home but he was ready to come home in every other way. They told us to plan on him being there for at least a week and they slowly added on more time. Every time that he would be scheduled to go home the next day he would have another apnea spell and have to stay longer. It was a process that we were used to but it was still difficult because life was on hold again and we wanted things to return to normal.

Finally everything was ready to go. I had been scheduled to deliver him at 38 weeks on the 7th of April. That was the day that we brought him home from the hospital. We celebrated and took pictures with Abby, Aaron and Tyler all decked out in their Husky clothes. We were a whole family again and Abby had a new brother that we all adored. Our wish of more children had come true and I was so grateful to be with them. Through those dark nights in the hospital I had pondered what life would be like for my little family if I were not to survive and the prospect was not one that I wanted to consider. It was the closest to death that I have ever felt in my life and I knew more than ever that I was where I wanted to be doing what I wanted to do and now I had two beautiful children to teach and help. It was a blessing for me and I was fully aware of God's help once again in my life to bring me through a difficult personal trial. I knew that he was aware of me on those dark nights when I was alone and I received the comfort that I needed through those prayers and I was very grateful for that. My new life with them was just beginning and a new spirit of reassurance and happiness entered my heart. I knew that there would be challenges ahead but with my family around me, I felt I could do anything.

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 17

2011-12-20T18:01:00.000-08:00

As days turned into months and months into years Abby grew quickly and well. She started out in the 2nd percentile for her age at birth.  For months she remained steadily growing at the 2nd percentile curve on the growth chart steadily gaining a little bit of growth in percentage until around her third birthday. She was finally up in the 1oth percentile in weight and height. It was awesome! She used a bottle a little longer than most babies until she was about 13 or 14 months. She was followed closely to watch her growth and they gave me recommendations that I wasn't sure of like adding butter to her food and giving her only whole milk. I felt strongly that she would continue to catch up by herself so I listened to what they suggested but did not put butter in her food. I also educated myself by reading studies about premature babies and obesity later in life and I decided that I also felt like as long as she was a healthy eater and was getting consistent meals that eventually everything would work out.

Around her first birthday, Aaron and I started to discuss having more children. We both wanted more kids and felt that it was important for our family to give Abby a sibling and also what God wanted us to do. We had been reassured that what had happened with Abby was unlikely to happen again. Through a lot of prayer and reassurance we started to try again to have a baby. I became pregnant and miscarried that baby at about seven weeks. It was very difficult for me. With my first miscarriage I had not been able to see the heartbeat. With this baby I was there for an ultrasound early on and saw the heartbeat. At the second ultrasound at about seven weeks the heartbeat was not there. It is an emotional and trying experience to miscarry but I took a lot of solace in the fact that I had Abby and could try again. It took me a few months to prepare myself for another try.

There was a lot going on at the time. Aaron had finished under grad and we moved to Kennewick, Washington so that he could open a store for his dad's window business. In the fall of 2004 I found out that I was pregnant once again and as always was thrilled with the prospect of pregnancy and a new baby. Dr. Fine gave me a referral to Dr. Cates in Richland. He specialized in high-risk pregnancies. I went in early for blood tests and ultrasounds. It was during this time that we discussed Abby's birth and talked about the possibility that I didn't have a Protein S deficiency. It was interesting to me to hear this and I asked if he had another explanation for me. He said he didn't have one but in looking at my protein levels from that time they were not particularly low for a pregnant lady. Apparently Protein S is naturally reduced by the body during pregnancy and he shared studies with me regarding it all. He agreed that I had been given the correct course of treatment and that Abby's birth had been necessary to save her life. But it also raised more questions in my mind for future pregnancies.

I lost this second pregnancy at eight weeks gestation. Again, I had been to the doctor early and seen the baby's heartbeat. It was very discouraging and disheartening when I began to bleed and lost the baby. It felt like I was broken and I was frustrated and sad. I again found solace in Abby. She was growing well and doing well and I decided that I needed to wait a little while to try again. It is hard to explain such feelings and I'm not sure I can do them justice. The kind of loss that is associated with miscarriage is hard to explain and to deal with at times. I found a lot of comfort in the fact that I could get pregnant but staying pregnant seemed to elude me. I had faith but I was weary of the losses and I felt that we weren't receiving the promised blessings of another child. It was a very sad time for me.

We moved back to Spokane shortly after this and Aaron began a new job with Washington Mutual. It was a good time for us. Abby was delightful. So cute and smart. She learned how to talk and was really good at singing songs with me. She also was great at entertaining herself and making messes like any two-year-old. She loved to watch Dragon Tales. My days were spent being her mom, taking care of the household chores and doing church callings. I was happy to see her doing so well.

In the summer of 2005 I found out that I was expecting again. I was excited but apprehensive about whether or not this pregnancy would last. I was happy to be able to go back to Dr. Fine and his staff. It felt so nice to be back with people who I didn't have to explain things to and who knew what had happened with Abby and my two miscarriages. They were so understanding and supportive of us. I began the same order of blood tests and ultrasounds as I had previously. When a pregnancy is healthy those numbers should keep rising quickly every day. With my two miscarriages we had started to see problems with the pregnancy in the sixth and seventh week. Our families were supportive of this process and it was nice to have people who cared. We didn't tell many people that we were pregnant because we had learned from sad experience that it is more difficult to deal with miscarriage when too many people know.

Another development that occurred during this time was having my sister Kim see Dr. Fine. Kim had a baby the year before with Dr. Fine as her doctor and he knew her history. It helped him to see that there might be a connection with the problems that I was having also. It involved low progesterone levels during the early part of the pregnancy. He gave me progesterone to take to see if it might help stave off a possible miscarriage. After the first blood test my pregnancy hormones were rising but at the second blood test Dr. Fine called me very concerned. He told me that my number wasn't lowering but it was not rising as quickly as he would have liked and that I should prepare myself to lose another pregnancy.

When I got off the phone I immediately went to my room and knelt by the bed. I poured out my heart to my Heavenly Father and told him that if he ever wanted me to have another baby that I needed to keep this pregnancy. I was just too weary for anymore loss. That night, my dad and Aaron gave me a blessing and I was assured through that blessing that he would be okay and that he would be healthy and strong but not without challenges. He kept referring to the baby as he or him and we questioned him afterward to see if he had felt that it would be a boy. He joked, saying that he wasn't going to guarantee it but that they were the words he was told to use. I felt the Spirit confirm that and I had no doubt that this baby inside would survive.   Blood tests confirmed that things were going well again and I told Dr. Fine about the blessing and prayers that we had said. He is a man of faith and was happy that he had been wrong.

I felt very good through most of my pregnancy. Abby was into everything at that point so I was constantly running after her. Luckily, we lived in a small apartment with little furniture so she had plenty of room to run around in. Every day at about three o'clock in the afternoon I would fall asleep for a little while. I was never exactly sure when it would happen but I prepared for it by making sure that she was fed and safe before I laid down. I was determined to be as healthy as possible during this time so after the first few months of pregnancy when I felt the danger of miscarriage had past I would go to the mall to walk around and get exercise. Most days I was really tired.

Our days were good. Time went by quickly and every minute, week and month that went by felt like a gift. The 28th week passed quietly and I breathed a sigh of relief. As did the 30th, 31st, 32nd and 33rd. At the 34th week a new challenge would be presented that would make this pregnancy a different test for our family and especially for me. I was in for another teaching experience but this time it was me that would have the challenge.

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 16

2011-12-14T23:08:00.001-08:00

Abby at 6 months

It might be helpful at this point to explain how you characterize the age of a premature baby. Unlike a newborn who is born on time it would be inaccurate to expect a three months premature baby to do the same things that a fully grown newborn can do. There would never be a way for that baby to "catch up". This is called adjusted age vs. chronological age. So in adjusted age Abby's newborn status would not start until she was 3 months old, she would be considered 3 months old when she was 6 months old, 6 months old at 9 months old and so forth.  For development purposes this is how they determine her adjusted age. They stop this practice once the baby reaches 2 years old. Most babies, "catch up" by this time and track pretty well developmentally with kids their own chronological age.

Abby continued to develop well. She was assessed for any problems and was followed closely for the first two years to ensure that she had the proper intervention if needed. We had awesome people in our corner including occupational and physical therapists, dietitians, doctors and nurses. We were happy to see that there were not huge difficulties for her developmentally. Many times with such small babies there are problems with development. One of Abby's issues was heightened muscle tone that made her stiff and super strong. Abby's ab muscles would be the envy of any super athlete. We would do exercises with her legs and arms to straighten them out. We used to laugh at the way she would sleep. She would sleep on her back with her hands out in front of her stiffly up in the air like she was surrendering to the police. Over time and with exercises, this tendency lessened and her overall flexibility improved.

One of the other side effects from months in the NICU was that because her head was constantly put to the side her head was elongated. This we slowly improved by cushioning her head so that she could look straight forward while sleeping. This improved the shape of her head immensely and now her head is beautifully shaped. Thank goodness for Occupational and Physical Therapists!

Abby is a determined kid. On the day she turned 6 months old she rolled over for the first time not just one way but both ways. First from her belly to her back and then from her back to her tummy. She started standing up next to the couch when she was about 8 months old. She was still so little that it was a funny sight to see a baby that was just about 10 pounds standing up next to the couch. She was really strong. Tummy time seemed to be particularly uncomfortable early on I would assume because of the tube in her tummy. She would get very mad when we would put her on her tummy. Once she started turning over she solved that problem quickly by turning over on her back. She still wanted to be able to move around so she solved that by turning to her back and scooting around the floor by pushing her legs and arching her back and for a long time this is how she moved across the carpet. She learned to crawl by the time she was 10 months. She has always been determined to do her thing, her way and this was no exception although there were times I wished she could see where she was going so she didn't hurt herself by running into the couch or the TV stand. This also gave her a very attractive bald spot on the back of her head.

Abby at 5 months old

Abby hating her tummy time! :) We made her do it everyday anyway!

Abby at 8 months. Standing on the stairs! :)

Her eyes were good most of the time but at other times they wandered substantially. One of the dangers of not treating a wandering eye is that the good eye will become too dominant and make the weaker eye eventually go blind if left untreated. She hated the patches and would always try to pull them off so we had to resort to some eye drops that helped dilate her eyes.
Her first surgery did a lot to help her see. She was always a smiley baby but after her eye surgery she was really able to interact better with us. It was a marvelous thing!

She is wearing 0-3 month clothes here. They finally fit! :)

Abby standing with Daddy's support at about 7 months. All of her clothes were too big for a long time.

Abby was so small that preemie clothes didn't fit her for a long time. In the hospital she didn't wear clothes for a long time because nothing was small enough. She had blankets that she was wrapped up in and a warming bed so that she was nice and warm. By the time she got out of the hospital, she weighed just 5 lbs 6 oz. Huge compared to what she had started out as but still very small for a normal baby. Finding clothes for her was difficult at first but we slowly collected them during her months in the hospital. We also had two baby showers for her and we received many outfits. She was still in size 6-9 months when she was a year old so each of her clothes got plenty of wear. What a little cutie pie!
The months flew by once Abby was home and there were many changes in store for us. We were so happy to have our girl home and it was time to think about growing our family again.

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 15

2011-12-09T09:38:00.001-08:00

Home was everything we had hoped for and more. It was also challenging. When you bring a baby like Abby home you worry about every little thing. You sometimes wish for monitors so you can see that she is doing okay. Luckily, we had purchased a co-sleeper which is a bed that attaches directly to our bed and is level with our sleeping surface so if in the night I became worried about her I could reach over and feel her breathe in and out without disturbing her. Sometimes while Aaron slept I would watch her in the semi-darkness and see her little face as she slept and my heart would feel joy.

Abby and I woke up frequently for feedings but the mixture of breastmilk and formula sustained her through the night most of the time. It might sound odd but I actually slept better with Abby home. Night time was the hardest time for me while she was in the hospital. Life got into a daily routine of feedings, appointments, and the daily work around the house. One good thing about all those months in the hospital was that Abby was already on a very consistent schedule. Any mom will tell you how nice it is when you know when to expect your baby to be hungry.

Abby's meal being warmed up and Abby isn't happy! You can see how big the preemie clothes still were on her.

We were assigned a home health nurse and also a dietitian. The nurse was very helpful but we determined together that the dietitian could monitor her eating because there was a lot of repetitive care. The nurse commented that she wasn't used to working with parents like us and it made me sad to think of the babies like Abby with moms who were less diligent in their care. I had seen some of those moms in the NICU. I was grateful to be able to stay home with Abby and take care of her needs.

Our dietitian was great. She came weekly to weigh Abby and take her measurements and talk about how her eating was going. We also went to the Feeding Clinic up near Sacred Heart to see if they could aid Abby's efforts with the bottle. She was still not taking her bottles but liked to breastfeed. She was getting stronger and continued to gain weight. We worked together to help her grow. There were times that the issue of breastfeeding became difficult. I felt that because Abby was more able to do it that we needed to continue doing it no matter how much milk she was actually getting. I felt that she was getting a good amount of milk and I would always make sure she also did the bottle for a few feedings a day. It might be hard to believe that a baby can't figure out how to use a bottle correctly but that is what was happening. It was like the part of her brain that could do that hadn't turned on yet.

Abby and Daddy snoozing together. Ahh, the joys of home!

Later that summer we attended the Martin Family reunion for the first time. It was fun getting to know all of the family and we had a great time showing Abby off.  Up until that point she was still not taking a full feeding by bottle and she was 7 months old. Can you imagine how long we would have been in the hospital if we had chosen not to do the surgery? At the reunion it was like a switch turned on in Abby's brain. I fed her from the bottle and she took the whole feeding by mouth.  I was sitting with Aaron at the time and we were so excited.  We waited for the next feeding and she did it again! Our baby could eat!  Hooray!

She still needed the tube sometimes when she was tired but she soon became able to take all of her meals by mouth. It is amazing how something that is so easy for everyone else had been her biggest obstacle.  The dietitian found that she was growing steadily so she was getting enough from bottle and breast and we no longer needed to use the tube in her tummy and we no longer needed weekly visits from the dietitian. It was a relief to claim a little bit more time. In November, we were able to take her in to have the tube removed and she has been eating well and growing steadily ever since.

The only other issues medically that Abby has had since being discharged from the NICU is a problem with her eyes. As she developed, her eyes began to cross and wander (amblyopia and strabismus). We patched her eyes to strengthen the muscles in them. Dr. Christina Nye is her eye doctor and determined that she was in need of eye surgery to adjust the muscles in her eyes and straighten her eyes out. Abby has so far had surgery three times to correct this, one when she was eleven months old, another around two and another when she was five. After the months in the hospital these outpatient surgeries have felt routine and hardly worth mentioning.  She continues to see Dr. Nye every 4-6 months and has good vision in both of her eyes with glasses. Both amblyopia and strabismus can happen to all kids and are not necessarily the result of being premature.

Before eye surgery. Her eye would wander all around. It was a wonder she could see!

Questions from others were sometimes very hard. It was hard to explain the things that she was going through. In the early days home visiting the store was sometimes problematic. People would come up to us and see how tiny she was and ask the standard question, "Wow, she's tiny, how old is she?" At first I would answer with four months or five months but I found that answering that way led to questions and long conversations with total strangers. It was nice to tell her story but sometimes when you are in a hurry it can be a little cumbersome. I would usually answer with her adjusted age if it was someone that I didn't know. With others that I knew it was good to be able to share her story.

Our first family picture in December 2003. Abby's eyes are much straigher. She is wearing a dress that is for 6-9 month old. She is 11 months old.

After all this time has passed no one just meeting Abby suspects that any of these events took place. Sometimes they wonder about her behavior and I do my best to explain these circumstances of her birth and development to them. There is rarely time to share her whole story and to explain just how amazing she is. I hope in some way that these words that I have written about her will serve to help others understand Abby better. These experiences have made her who she is today. I realize all the time that I have a lot to learn from her and I am so grateful that I get to do that every day.

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 14

2011-12-08T16:47:00.001-08:00

We had spent a rather long night in the hospital with Abby prepared to go home on the morning of the 19th of May, 2003. Abby had been fussy all night and we wondered if she was hurting from the surgery she needed to insert the feeding tube into her stomach. We woke up and were getting ready to be discharged. I had her clothes laid out to go home in and I opened her diaper to change her. There underneath her diaper was a large red lump. Alarmed, I called for Aaron to come over and look at the lump. We immediately went for a nurse to come and inspect the lump. The nurse looked at the lump and she called Dr. Fischer to come and examine her right way. It was an inguinal hernia. These kinds of hernias are more common in boys. Not only did Abby have one hernia where the lump had formed but two hernias. They happen in the groin area and do not close on their own. The only way to repair hernias of that kind was another surgery. Dr. Fischer assured us because we had found it so early that morning that he would be able to repair it that day and although Abby would have to spend another night in the NICU, barring any unforseen circumstances, we would be able to take her home the following day.

Needless to say the fact that we couldn't take Abby home was a major disappointment but both Aaron and I felt grateful that it had happened when we were still at the hospital and not already home. It would have been so much more discouraging to have made it home and then have to return to the hospital again the next day with a hurting baby in need of surgery. I think Heavenly Father knew we were reaching the end of our patience and our strength. Another blessing was that Abby would not have to go under anesthesia and be on the vent again. She would be able to have a spinal block during surgery so the dreaded vent could be avoided and not delay her coming home with us.

Once again they prepared Abby for surgery to repair both hernias. Once again it was stressful for us but the procedure went well. One more night in the NICU and our girl would finally be free! The next morning we arrived early to see how Abby was doing and this time she was ready to go. She'd slept well during the night and was a happy baby once more. I got her clothes arranged to change her into her going home outfit. I went to change her diaper once more and opened her diaper to find a great deal of blood coming from her incision. I had seen Abby go through many things but bleeding was not one of them. For the first time in my life, I got dizzy and speechless and had to sit down because I felt like I would pass out. Aaron helped me get to a chair and went to find a nurse to help us and I sat trying to take deep breaths to calm myself down breathing through a few more tears. One of her stitches had burst and that is what had caused the bleeding. They quickly closed the incision again and covered it up and we got her diaper changed. My mini-crisis over I helped Aaron finish getting Abby dressed in her outfit and ready to go home. Aaron brought the car seat to set her in it and it was time to go.

She was very light because she was no longer connected to any wires. They had been so much a part of her that it felt odd to carry her around with nothing streaming behind us. No oxymeter was attached to her foot. She had no leads on her chest to monitor her breath rate and heartbeat. She didn't need them any more! We had been preparing for this day for so long that when the time finally came to leave, it was surreal. We said goodbye to everyone that was there and thanked them. A nurse accompanied us to the car and we got Abby's carseat situated in the back seat. I rode in the back with her so that I could watch her and make sure she was okay as we drove and we pulled out of the hospital parking lot. You can imagine the joy that we felt to get to leave with our baby! Such a feeling of elation overtook us that we both let out a cheer. We cheered for a few blocks and laughed and filmed Abby's ride home on the video camera. It was a beautiful day!

Abby in her carseat ready to come home

We pulled up in front of our house and took Abby down the stairs to our basement apartment. We took pictures of her there in her car seat and then took her out to hold her. It was a blessed moment, just the three of us, in our own house after so many months of waiting. It was the 20th of May 2003, just one day short of four months after her birth. We had brought our sweet Abigail home to stay and it could be just the three of us with no monitors, no alarms, no doctors or nurses. It was the end of our NICU journey with Abby but the beginning of so many other beautiful days, obstacles and triumphs for our little girl and for our family.

Abby sleeping in her bed for the first time. One of my favorite pictures, ever.

That night we had some visitors. My brother Matt and his wife Rachel and my sister, Emily came to see and hold Abby. There was a sweet feeling in the room as they held her for the first time. They were so quiet around her. It was just perfect. After months of not seeing her we finally got to introduce them all to each other in person. In the days that followed we slowly introduced Abby to other friends, family and ward members that had prayed for her during her time in the NICU. We were careful with her for obvious reasons. I wish I could replay each of those encounters for you all. There was so much love and joy when she finally came home. It was truly a sweet and blessed time as she interacted with those that had worried and cared about her with us.

My brother, Matt and sister, Emily feeding Abby for the first time on the night she came home from the hospital.

My sister-in-law Rachel with Abby on the night she came home from the hospital.

Abby's journey through those early months was difficult. Once she came home, life became sweeter. It was like holding our collective breath for months and finally being able to exhale again and then we started to breathe again and breathing felt so good. Many more things have happened in the years since that are also part of Abby's story but these early months defined us in a way that I am only now beginning to appreciate. I think that experiences like the one that we went through with Abby make us more understanding, increase our empathy, remind us of the tender mercies of God, built our faith, give us hope, teach us joy and give us new purpose. Personally, they helped me see that each child is precious. I think we all know this but when you see a baby grow from such a tiny, fragile state you gain a new appreciation for healthy, happy pregnancies and chubby, roly poly babies.

Abby with her Grandpa Borders a few days after coming home from the hospital.

We kept Abby home for about six weeks from church and on July 6th, Abby was given a name and a blessing. It was a joyful day for me and filled with many tears of gratitude. It was also a fast Sunday and during testimony meeting I shared a scripture that sums up my feelings about that time very well. It was one that gave me a lot of comfort through those months in the hospital.
The scripture is from The Book of Mormon, Mosiah 24 verses 13-17:
13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.
14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.
16 And it came to pass that so great was their faith and their patience that the voice of the Lord came unto them again, saying: Be of good comfort, for on the morrow I will deliver you out of bondage.

I stand as a witness of the truth of this scripture. He does visit us in our afflictions, large and small. He does ease our burdens and make them light. There is great power in the faith of many joined together in prayer and fasting. There is still hope when all seems to fail. Faith makes seemingly impossible things possible. There is comfort for us all when we ask for it. I know these things because I experienced them first hand. I know that happened because of our faith and the faith of our friends and family. Our faith didn't make all of our problems vanish or make Abby instantly healthy but it gave us the strength to endure that long time even when we felt like we could endure it no longer. This is how faith grows. We put forth a little and so much more comes back to us. It's a beautiful thing.

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 13

2011-12-08T09:09:00.001-08:00

Waiting for Abby to be ready to go home was hard for us. We had been through three months and three weeks of the NICU and were ready to take Abby home. She had miraculously jumped every hurdle placed before her. Now there was only one thing left that was keeping her from coming home and that was being able to eat all of her food by herself. It had been a frustrating process. We loved her and felt she would do better when she came home. We tried everything we could think of including staying over night so that I could feed her on demand. She was still so small and unable to eat enough to gain weight by herself. It was very discouraging. We had hoped many times to be able to bring her home but we really wanted to bring her home first by my birthday, April 17th and then by April 20th, Easter Sunday. We bought her an Easter dress and dressed her up in it that day. Preemie clothes were still huge on her but the dress looked beautiful. It signaled good things to come. She also achieved another amazing milestone. That day she officially weighed in at 5 pounds!

Easter Sunday in her pretty Easter dress. Five whole pounds! :)

Going home with an NG tube would not be possible. The proper insertion of the tube is critical to a baby's well-being and there are great risks to inserting it incorrectly including perforation in her esophagus or stomach and the aspiration of milk into the lungs that could cause pneumonia and death. We were approaching four months in the hospital and a conference was called to discuss the options that we had. We all agreed that Abby would do better at home. Their proposal was to surgically insert a g-tube into her stomach to help give her feedings and have her monitored by a dietitian and a home health nurse. The other option was to wait to bring her home when she could take all of her feedings by mouth which could be days, months, years away.

Surgery was a difficult prospect for us. You never want to willingly let a doctor cut into your child. We saw that Abby was stuck where she was until she could overcome this obstacle. The best feeding she had ever done by bottle was 2 ounces of food. Some days she couldn't even do one ounce by bottle. We were never sure how much milk she was getting by breastfeeding. She could not gain weight with such a small amount of food. The only way to determine it was by weighing her before and after feeding which was also tedious. They gave us time to but we were supposed to make a decision. We were fortunate to talk with our friend Laura who is a very experienced nurse. Her advice was unequivocal. "Do the surgery and get that baby home where she belongs." After talking with her we realized it was what we must do. We told them that night and they scheduled the surgery for the following morning. With any luck Abby would be able to go home the day after surgery.

Abby's g-tube. We kept gauze around it because it tended to leak. I know it is kind of gross but it kept her alive!

Milk going into the tube. Again, kind of gross but it kept her alive and growing!

We met Dr. James Fischer the following morning and immediately felt comfortable with him doing Abby's surgery. He was just awesome, really caring and attentive to our questions and concerns. He talked to us about the risks and benefits and they took Abby back for surgery. Sending her off was hard but we knew she was in good hands. The surgery was a simple procedure and it went very well. Abby was sedated and put on the vent for the procedure. She had some trouble coming off of the vent and waking up but once she did we were shown how to use the new tube in her stomach. It was quite amazing and a little disturbing to have a hole directly leading to her tiny stomach. It had a plug similar to that on a blow up beach ball that you pulled out to add the food into. We could insert a tube into this tube in her stomach and feed her without every having to touch her mouth. We would do as much of her feeding by mouth as she would eat and then give her the rest of her food through the tube.

That night we stayed at the hospital to "room-in" with Abby. It is the standard procedure for babies going home the next day and we were excited! Excited doesn't even begin to cover it. Ecstatic! Finally we would bring Abby home and she would not have to be in the NICU anymore! Life would get back to normal and we could enjoy being a family alone for the first time. I was emotional that night, getting to hold and rock Abby and be with her as long as I wanted to. We took turns holding her and both woke up with her when she cried. The night went pretty smoothly except that Abby was crankier than we had ever seen her. It wasn't her normal behavior. She was normally really calm and I worried that her surgery incisions were hurting her. Regardless of the crying, that night together was the promise of many nights to come and we couldn't wait to take her home.

Unfortunately, there was one more unpleasant surprise in store for us all...

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 12

2011-12-07T16:53:00.001-08:00

On March 15th, my brother Andrew returned from his missionary service in the Washington DC South mission. Abby was stable at that point but was still not able to have visitors so we arranged for the family that had not been able to see her to come to the glass room in the NICU and view Abby through the glass. To do this she had to be taken off of her monitors for a few minutes and carried in. The nurse accompanied Aaron so that Abby would have someone to help her if something went wrong. Luckily, nothing did. After almost two months of waiting, it was fun to let everyone finally get a glimpse of her. I stood out with my family while Aaron brought her to the glass. Everyone took pictures and it was a great day. Abby had only met Aaron and I and her four grandparents. She had no idea how many family and friends were waiting anxiously to meet her. It was fun to finally be able to show off our little girl if only for a few minutes. Her family was very excited to see her.

The NICU became my home away from home. I got to know every nurse in the place. I was there so much that many of the nurses told me that I should go back to get my degree in nursing and join them there. As flattering as that was I didn't always like being there. Life was on hold. The days and weeks seemed to drag on. It felt like we would never leave the NICU. January had passed and so had February, March came and went and April was upon us. Abby had made steady progress through that time gaining weight with no life threatening issues. She was still on oxygen but needed less and less. Her food intake was increased. She was still a good nurser but really bad at the bottle. An occupational therapist named Liz worked with her often to help her work on feeding. Nursing exclusively wasn't an option as nursing wore her tiny body out and I couldn't be there for every feeding so figuring out the bottle became critical for her to gain the weight and take the feedings that she needed to go home. She had a difficult time figuring out the bottle so everything that she could not eat by mouth she would get through her NG tube.

Abby with us some time in early March. One of our great nurses, Wanda, gave her the hat and the little bunny for her bed. Abby was a favorite among the nurses because she was so small and sweet.

During this time we saw people we knew come and go through the NICU. It was nice to see them but not in that situation. My friend Tawna had a baby during that time and another friend Shiela also came to be with her baby. Shiela was there for a few weeks in a different room from us. She very sweetly watched over me and asked me about Abby. She gave Abby a bear to sit in her bed with her. Common experiences bond people together like nothing else can. We have stayed NICU buddies ever since.

In April, we were moved to the Intermediate Care Nursery, lovingly called the feeding and growing nursery. Oh, blessed day! Abby was no longer critical but still did not meet the requirements to go home. The feeding and growing nursery was like heaven after the months of the NICU. It was a quieter and more peaceful environment. The pace there is much slower, the care times longer. We could finally sit with Abby for a half an hour or more at a time without interruption. It was like heaven after those short visits we had at the beginning.

There are a few requirements for a baby to be able to go home from the NICU. They need to be able to maintain their own body temperature, they need to be free from central apnea spells for at least 24 hours, and they need to be able to take all of their meals by bottle or breast and be growing at an appropriate rate. Apnea is scary even when you get used to it. The premature nervous system in these babies has a difficult time maintaining steady breaths and heartbeats. This causes the baby to stop breathing and the heart rate to plummet. It is very common and is usually very temporary. The first couple of times it happens it is particularly scary but after that you learn quickly how to stimulate the baby back to normal breath patterns.

There are two main kinds of apnea and these two can happen at the same time, central apnea which is caused by the immature system and obstructive apnea that is caused by the tiny airway being obstructed. Tilting the babies head the wrong way can cause it. This usually happens during a feeding when the baby is trying to suck, swallow and breathe at the same time. At this point Abby was doing well with these things. Her central apnea spells had stopped for the most part and her obstructive apnea spells were very minimal. Her problems with eating continued but there were a lot of firsts that we got to participate in with her that were so precious. One of the best was when she received her first real bath. She had been given sponge baths since birth because of her sensitive skin and the many IV's etc. so it was fun to help with that. There was also more time to play with her and interact.

This is her first bath. Can you tell she didn't like this very much?

Abby snoozing. :)

Abby surrounded by her cuddly friends, including bears from Daddy, Grandma B., Shiela Lee and a sheep from me.

Quiet time with Daddy near the window. Doesn't that just melt your heart?

Her due date came and went with little fanfare. Most babies are able to be discharged somewhere around their due date. Abby was still struggling to grow. Her caloric intake was increased by adding formula to the breastmilk. We learned quickly that breastmilk alone would not be sufficient to increase Abby's weight. I still pumped through the day to keep my milk supply up for her. She was doing well but still not eating enough by mouth. Part of the problem was her tiredness. Everything wore the poor kid out. I breastfed and she got tired. We tried every nipple for the bottle known to man. Our occupational therapist went all over town to find every new nipple she could. Once we found the right one we couldn't get through a feeding by bottle without an obstructive apnea spell. She could only do a little at a time never more than one ounce. My mom guilt returned full force because I knew that she enjoyed breastfeeding and did the best at it. I felt sad that she couldn't do such a normal, natural thing. It was hard for me that she was not strong enough to get all of her calories through that. As with so many other milestones that Abby has achieved both in the hospital and still today, we learned that there would be no rushing her to achieve our purpose. She would take her time and do it when she was good and ready. It is a humbling message from one so small.

These days tested our patience. We felt like our desire to take Abby home with us was a reasonable one. We prayed that she would be able to figure out how to eat without the aid of an NG tube. She didn't like her NG tube and frequently would pull it out and make herself sneeze like crazy. Who could blame her, I can't imagine how uncomfortable it would be to have a tube go from your nose to your stomach. She didn't need oxygen anymore. There were no more apnea spells. She had grown past all of the other obstacles. This was the only thing keeping her from coming home with us. During this time we were relocated into some new rooms in the back of the NICU that had recently opened up because the Intermediate Nursery needed some maintenance done on it. It was strange to return to the NICU and not be in the same room. Our friends had all been discharged and we had interesting new neighbors.

The day we moved into that new nursery I went in for Abby's regular care time and was having some mommy/daughter bonding time when another mother came into the room. She was raging at the nurse and clearly frustrated. She was yelling and ranting and raving. It was quite a show. I sat very calmly and watched the scene from my rocking chair. She was telling the nurse how unfair it was that her baby had to be there. She didn't understand why he had already been there for three days and still couldn't go home. The nurse did her best to explain and to comfort her and calm her down and left the room. I still sat very quietly rocking Abby to sleep. The other mother stood looking at her baby and then turned and said something like, "I hate that my baby still has to be here. I don't know why they are making him stay. He was supposed to go home yesterday. I want him home." I nodded at her and told her that I could understand that. She went on to tell me that they were keeping him because he was born a little early and was having apnea spells but that she felt he should still be able to go home anyway. I listened and talked to her about why they were keeping him, repeating what the nurse had just been saying to her. She had clearly not heard what the nurse was saying because she looked at me like I was giving her new information. She went on about the NICU and how much she hated being there. She calmed down after a few minutes and introduced herself and asked me my name and then asked about Abby and her progress. I remember she asked, "How long have you been here?" I realized that she was seeing my much older looking baby and thinking that we had only been there a few days also. I smiled at her and answered, "About three and a half months." The look that she gave me next was priceless. Her jaw dropped and she didn't speak for a few seconds. She looked sheepish and exclaimed, "Oh, honey, I must sound like a total witch to you." And then she started to cry. I reassured her that I understood. She apologized to me for the way she acted and we talked for a few more minutes until the nurse came in. Before she left she turned to me and wished both Abby and I good luck with a pleasant smile on her face. It was good to be able to provide some perspective to a mom going through a hard time. That whole encounter still makes me chuckle.

Abby loved her hands and would always have them around her face. She liked to pull out that pesky NG tube, too.

The NICU is just hard, no matter how long you are there it is a difficult experience and I can understand why some parents loath their experiences there. I think I gained an unique appreciation for the work that the doctors and nurses do because they had done something so miraculous for us. They had taken a tiny one pound baby and given her the care that allowed her to live and helped her grow into a healthy baby. It was a miracle, plain and simple and I suppose the miracle of it made the waiting worth it. We would eventually take our baby home with us but our journey in the NICU was not completed and life still had a few more surprises in store for us all.

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 11

2011-12-06T21:51:00.001-08:00

Life in the NICU became a daily routine of care times. Abby continued to grow. They inserted an NG tube (nasogastric tube) and began giving her the breast milk starting with 1 cc (ml) of milk. Anyone who knows measurements can tell you that 1 cc (ml) is a very small amount, about one drop. She tolerated the milk well. Babies that small can develop problems with their intestines when milk is introduced because their digestive tracks are not fully developed. The baby we shared our room with had problems with this. We felt grateful that Abby was free of this problem.

The biggest issue we faced at this time was the ventilator. The longer the ventilator is needed the more likely there will be long term damage done to the lung tissue causing chronic lung problems. It became a process of weaning Abby off of the ventilator. Every day we would get an update of how far they had been able to wean her down. She was doing some breathing on her own over the top of the ventilator but she still needed it. Some days she would do really well, other days she would be tired and not do as well. I looked forward to the day that the ventilator could be removed because it would mean holding her, feeding her and all the things that all moms look forward to doing. Up until that time the most holding I had done was a brief pick up and set down while helping the nurse change her bed. Her small size and fragile lungs made holding her with the ventilator attached unwise and possibly dangerous to her.

On February 16th, they took Abby off the ventilator. She was 3 weeks old and weighed just 1 pound 15 ounces. She had a nasal cannula that gave her the oxygen she needed. It was finally time to hold her. That night was a great night. We were told that I could hold her but that too much stimulation might hurt the objective to keep her off the ventilator. Luckily, I have a very understanding husband who knew that I needed to be the one to hold her. The nurse lifted Abby off her bed and set her on my chest close to my skin. This is called kangaroo care which requires skin to skin contact between mother and baby. Her little body was so tiny and bony but tears of joy came to my eyes as I held her. I could feel that her breathing was labored but her oxygen saturation remained steady. It amazed me what those tiny lungs could do. What a little fighter! I think those five minutes or so of having her on my chest healed a lot of the hurt my mother heart had endured for the months before. Those moments were beautiful and amazing but were not to last long. She stayed off the ventilator until the following morning and was too tired to continue breathing without support. Our final days with the vent were not behind us and it was discouraging. I felt bad that Aaron hadn't had the chance to hold her.

You can see in these pictures that I am still wearing gloves. She had not yet reached the golden 1000 grams (2.2 lbs).
We look very happy though, don't we?

Something else happy did happen during this time. On February 19th, Abby reached 2 pounds. It had taken her a month to do it and we were very excited. We had a celebration dinner to celebrate. My parents, my brother Matt and his wife Rachel, my sister Emily and Aaron's parents and sister Chantel were all there. My cousin Becky and her husband Chris also attended. Becky was 9 months pregnant with her first daughter and ready to give birth any moment. She was having some contractions that night and we had fun watching her belly tighten and release. It was a strange feeling for me because I was supposed to be due a full two months after her. She good-naturedly teased me about having to beat her to it. I teased back by saying I was just really competitive like that. She gave birth to her daughter the next day on February 21st exactly one month after Abby. It was a happy night.

The ventilator continued to be our problem. It was a blessing because it was keeping Abby alive but we needed her to be able to get off of it as soon as we possibly could. There are hard decisions for parents to make in these situations and after almost two weeks of unsuccessfully weening herself off of the ventilator the doctors came to us to tell us that they thought she needed a boost of steroids to help her get off of the vent for good. They gave us the statistics once again about possible long term effects the drugs could have on her. It is hard being a parent when there is no way to know what the outcome will be. We decided that getting off the vent was crucial to her getting the love we had to give her and also the best for her medically. They gave her the steroids and took her off of the vent for the last time on the 28th of February, 1 month and one week after her birth. She would still need supplemental oxygen for a while via the CPAP first and a nasal cannula after that but the vent was gone and we would be able to hold her on a more regular basis.

Abby off the vent in an oxygen hood. This is the first time we saw her face with no tubes or vent covering it. What a beauty!

No more vent! :) Hooray!

Abby with her daddy! Finally! :)

Off of the ventilator Abby quickly became more interactive. She was still not quite like a regular newborn but she was a lot closer. It is hard to explain how much more connected you feel to a baby you can touch and hold and love. She was still fragile and small but she was able to do more. She still was getting her meals by NG tube. It was time to start nursing and giving her a bottle. It amazes me now that she would be able to do this but we made our first attempts a few days after the vent left. She had feeding issues with the bottle but was great with breastfeeding. Not a normal thing for these little ones. Normally the bottle is much easier to get the hang of because the milk comes out easily. Feeding time was also the main time when she would desat. Her numbers would go down on the monitor and we would have to help her by sitting her up, rubbing her back. We would have to watch her closely as she navigated how to suck, swallow and breath all at the same time. It is not something that an older baby has to worry about but for a baby still two months from her original due date just the fact that she was able to try was impressive.

I love the way he looks at her. Big hands, tiny head. Sweet!

The difficult days of the vent were over but there were still many obstacles to overcome before we could take Abby home. We had been in the NICU for a month and a half and had navigated some pretty treacherous waters. We hoped for smooth sailing and for good news but our days in the NICU were not over. There were still more adventures in store for us.

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 10

2011-12-04T16:12:00.001-08:00

This is Abby at three days old. See how small her head is?

You can see the size of my fingers against the size of her legs.

Abby at 3 days old. I am applying some shiny moisturizer to her skin to help keep it protected.

The first days after I came home were difficult for me but Abby was doing well. Luckily, the nurses at the hospital were always there so that if I wanted to check on Abby, even in the middle of the night, I could call her nurse and see how she was doing. Calling and finding out she was doing well made me sleep better. The nurses offered such vigilant, constant care that I knew that everything that should be done was being done. It did a lot to help ease my troubled heart.

The Relief Society in the ward arranged rides for me because I could not drive myself to the hospital. The sisters were amazing. Many of them had fasted and prayed with us for Abby and it was comforting to know that people wanted to help us. It was hard to share in the experience at the time because so much of what we were going through was hard to explain. These were the days before we owned a digital camera so all of our pictures were on our camera. The one picture we had of Abby was taken right after she was born and the few people that we had shown it to were obviously concerned by her small size. It seemed better just to give people updates as they asked for them and not to give too many details. The details were overwhelming to us also so it was better just to say, she is doing well for her size. I suppose this should have been scarier but it really wasn't like that for us. That peace we felt was constant.

The first day after returning home was a memorable one for me. I visited Abby that morning and did her care time. I was still worried about her but she was making progress. She graduated that day to another ventilator for more "advanced" babies. I saw Dr. Johnson in the hall and gave her the update. She was happy to hear of Abby's progress. I remember that I cried a lot that day. Post pregnancy hormones and worry are apt to make any girl weep. I watched other people walk around the hospital like it was just another day. When someone you love is sick or in the hospital in critical condition life slows down dramatically. I feels almost like an affront that the rest of the world moves at a steady pace. I sat in the chapel in the main part of the hospital and I bought Abby a little sheep that could sit at her bedside to watch over her while I wasn't there. Later that night Aaron purchased a Husky bear for her so that she would have something from him also.

Abby's condition didn't change much in the days that followed. She was growing little by little although extremely slowly. She would get little infections and be given antibiotics to treat it. We had one anxious night when she had a small bleed in her brain but after another blessing, that resolved itself quickly. She was amazing to watch. It was amazing to watch her change. She was not like a baby that was full grown. We were able to watch her change and grow before our eyes.

My day was spent in the hospital. I would get there for her early care time and stay through the day to be there for as many care times as I could. In the early days she had care times every three hours. I would go home in the afternoon and Aaron and I would usually return for the feeding at night. Aaron was there every time he could get away from school and work. My other main job was to pump breast milk for Abby. She was not able to eat it at the time and wouldn't be able to take a bottle or breastfeed until she was off the ventilator but I needed to keep my milk supply going so that she could have it when she needed it. I felt glad to have something to do for her because I was not able to care for her full-time. I was careful to store my milk in the freezer and had a good supply for her waiting to be used. I was supplied a pump for home use and pumped every few hours. There was also a private room for it outside of the NICU. Anyone who has done this for any length of time knows how draining it can be (forgive the pun). It was hard to keep up with, especially during the night. It was at those times that I missed Abby the most and wondered how much different it would be to have a baby born on time where you would have a little one to nurse instead of meeting up with the breast pump.

The days in the hospital were greatly helped by getting to know other moms that were in the same situation. Each room shared a care time so there were several moms that were there with me at the same time and waiting in the waiting room. A few days after Abby was born a little girl joined her in the room that was born at just 24 weeks gestation. She weighed in at 1 pound 7 ounces. Her parents visited her regularly and I got to know her mom, Shannon very well. We kept up on the latest status updates of our babies and I think it helped me a great deal to have someone to talk to who was going through the same thing.

After a few days the umbilical line was taken out and instead Abby had an IV line placed in her arm. One of the difficult things in babies so tiny is that it is hard to access their veins and the ones that are accessible collapse easily and must be changed often. This is a fact of the NICU and of the kind of care she needed. The only time this was upsetting was the day when I came in the room to find that she had an IV in the top of her head. I was not prepared to see it and I burst into tears. I left the room for a minute to compose myself and when I returned the nurse explained that it was the only accessible place she had that day and that she was sorry that it upset me. I learned early on that I needed to be prepared for anything when it came to her care but that was a shock to me.

The support of the ward continued and I was grateful to have good friends there. My visiting teachers were particularly helpful at this time. Jennifer Leeds and Beth Child had come to the ward at the same time that we had and we became fast friends. They came to see me in the hospital before Abby was born and brought games to play. Jenn helped me clean my house when I was on bed rest. Beth had gone through the NICU experience the year before with her son Elijah and knew first hand the experience that I faced. It was great to have someone there who understood even if we didn't talk about it all the time. It was comforting to know that they were there and I was grateful for their friendship. I felt that our Relief Society President was inspired to make them my visiting teachers at that time. They were definitely the right sisters at the right time for me and I will always remember them fondly for the service and friendship that they gave to me at that time.

One particularly sweet memory of this time was a conversation that I had with a dear older sister in my ward. She stopped me in the hall one Sunday to ask me how Abby was doing. When I told her that she was doing well, she told me that she was so glad. She had been praying for us and for her. She then shared an experience that amazed and humbled me. She told me of her own little son that had been born too early. In those days no intervention was done. He weighed just over one pound. She had held him while he died in her arms. We both shed tears as she talked about him and I told her how grateful I was that she had told me about him. She said that she was glad that Abby had a chance to live and that she missed her little boy. Fifty years later his memory brought tears to his mother's eyes. Later that night I remember sitting with Abby and thinking of this sweet friend and so many other moms over the centuries that have had to let their little ones go and I felt grateful to live in a time when Abby could be saved.

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 9

2011-12-03T19:48:00.001-08:00

Seeing Abby for the first time was a mixture of emotion for me. Our parents had left the hospital so that I could rest and I did that. I also had to get up to walk before I could go and see her. That was a unique experience. I had never had surgery at that point in my life and was amazed how difficult it was to stand up completely. I did it with the help of Aaron and my nurse. Aaron and I were able to see Abby that evening. I was still just hours out of surgery so they used the wheelchair to transport me from my room and I was able to hold on to Aaron so that I could stand at her bedside.

Abby's first picture right after birth. She is not wearing a diaper.

I remember being in awe of her tiny size. When she was weighed it was found that she was actually just 18 ounces (1 pound 2 ounces, 544 grams) and 11 3/4 inches long. She was our baby and we instantly loved her but there were a few things about her that took some getting used to. Her skin was very thin and the skin is very red and sensitive to touch and prone to infection. Her head was tiny and there all sorts of wires attached to her abdomen from the monitors. She was so tiny that there was no fat in her body. She had no butt cheeks but was flat in that area of the body. I could barely see her face because she was jaundiced and had a shield covering her eyes to protect them from the bilirubin light. She was intubated so much of the area around her mouth was covered with the tape to keep that in place. She had an umbilical line which was being used to feed her nutrients and give her blood transfusions. This is an IV line that went directly into the bellybutton where she had been connected to the umbilical chord. Because of the situation inside my uterus she was very anemic and needed to replenish her blood supply. From the best of my memory it took three blood transfusions over the course of the next few days to help with that. I could see her legs and arms well and they made me happy. Her legs were the exact shape of Aaron's long legs in miniature. She also had these brilliantly long fingers and perfect little ears that folded over easily for they had not yet developed the cartilage to make them lift off of her head. She was also covered in fine blonde hair and had hair on her head that was strawberry blonde. When I saw her there for the first time I was not allowed to touch her with my bare hands and I don't think I touched her even with gloves. Before entering the NICU everyone washes their hands and dons a robe to cover their regular clothes. We would not be allowed to touch her without gloves until she was over 1,000 grams because any little infection could turn into a huge, possibly life threatening problem.

Abby at 1 day old

I asked if I could see her eyes and the nurse turned off the bilirubin light so that she could take off the eye shield. Seeing her eyes for the first time was an emotional and spiritual experience for me. Her eyes were a dark cloudy blue. She was so small that I knew that she was not aware of me but I talked to her anyway. I saw in her eyes, my little daughter, the friend I had been talking to all of those months. I loved that little girl so much. I saw Aaron look at her in wonder and knew that he was feeling the same things, too. She looked tired as the ventilator forced her lungs to stay open and breathe. Babies this small have a difficult time keeping their lungs open and are prone to collapsed lungs. Their tiny lungs are so small and they have a sticky substance in them that make the lung want to stick together with each breath.  Scientists working with the March of Dimes developed a surfactant that aid the lungs by allowing them not to stick togetherand stay open. This miraculous substance allowed Abby to breathe. (Can you see why we walk for them every year?)

Although we had prepared as much as we could before her delivery by doing the steroid injections for her lungs, she was still so small and her lungs so tiny that she was put on a special ventilator. It was one that was more gentle than the standard one that make the lungs breath in and out. This kind of ventilator kept the lung partially open all the time so that it would be easier for her to breath. I still can't imagine what that must have been like for her. I am grateful that she has no memory of that time. I am sure it would have been a painful and difficult one.

There were difficult feelings to deal with for me at this time.  Being the parent and particularly a mother of a micro-preemie is hard, there is no way around it. I felt very grateful that Abby was alive, that she was doing well for her size and condition but I was also dealing with a lot of negative emotions. Anger, sadness, fear were among them.  I was heartbroken that she was in this situation and there was nothing for my mothering side to do but wait until care time to be her mom. I felt a deep sense of guilt for having put her there. I knew I had not done anything to make this situation happen but I felt like I was responsible and I felt terrible. In talking with other moms who have been through this, I know I am not alone. It's frustrating because you also feel like you shouldn't be having those feelings. It becomes a cycle that is hard to deal with. I think moms tend to put much of what happens to our children on ourselves. I've heard many call it "mom guilt". I think it must be a little bit similar to a child born with a genetic defect or deformity. It is a chance of nature that such things take place and not within our control. I knew that logically but I couldn't help but feel that responsibility just the same.  Even after all these years of being Abby's mom, I still have moments of "mom guilt".

The odd thing about this time to me was how normally we acted under the circumstances. I think we both had received enough calm assurances by the Spirit that we were comfortable with the situation.  Looking back at the pictures of us with Abby in the days after her birth I really am amazed that we were so confident and calm about it. We had time to prepare ourselves for her arrival and I think that aided us in adjusting our expectations.

I've often been grateful that Abby was our first child. I can only imagine what it would be like to be an experienced mother with previous birth experience coming into the NICU. For the health of the babies there are many restrictions put on the parents and visitors. The only people allowed to visit Abby would be Aaron and I and our parents. No other family would be allowed back to see her.  There are also restrictions on the amount of time that anyone can spend with their babies and only two people are allowed in at a time. Because of Abby's small size we did not object to this but I can imagine for some parents with babies that are larger and less fragile that the NICU feels like a prison of sorts.

Abby at a few days old. Closeup of umbilical line, breathing tube, NG tube and IV.

There were care times every three to four hours depending on Abby's needs. Other than this short time we could not be in the room with her. The best thing for a baby so small is sleep in a quiet environment. The NICU isn't very quiet sometimes with all the monitors going off but they do their best to keep it serene. The care times were my only time with her so I treasured those few minutes with her. Care times were set aside to do a few things and there were quite a few things that we could help with. In every care time we would take her temperature, change her diaper, and change the oximeter probe from one foot to another. This probe is to measure the oxygen in the blood and taking it off made the alarm on the monitor sound. We quickly learned the alarm going off was usually not an indication of a problem, it was usually the result of a kicking foot or a movement by the baby. The monitors were very sensitive and sometimes a little annoying when you wanted things to be quiet. There were times when the alarms were real. Seeing her numbers drop was stressful. Her heart rate would decelerate quickly and then come back up again. We got used to these quickly. It is very common for premature babies to have this happen. She was thankfully in stable condition most of the time.

There are a few potential immediate life threatening problems for babies in Abby's situation and the doctors and nurses kept us informed about potential complications. We were told that the first few days would be the most critical. Some of the problems that they mentioned were bleeding in the brain, infections, and heart problems. Abby had many underlying problems that were already being treated, anemia, jaundice, and respiratory distress syndrome. Her blood was checked daily, she also received scans of her brain frequently to check for bleeds, she was weighed and measured every night at the same time to monitor her progress. Our medical team was amazing. They were excellent at answering our questions and I asked many of them. It was very reassuring to have them all there.

We were able to visit Abby at every care time when I was in the hospital but the day came when it was time for me to be discharged. I was feeling in good health but very tired from the surgery and I had mixed emotions about going home. We were able to see Abby before I was discharged and I knew that I would be back in a few hours to be there for care time but leaving my baby in the hospital is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I knew she was in excellent hands and that she was being well taken care of but I ached for her. I remember just sobbing as we pulled down the ramp out of the parking garage. Aaron and I didn't say much, we listened to some of our favorite music and held hands and drove silently home without our baby. We would have many days like that in the following months. We rejoiced in her progress and were grateful that she was with us but our trials with her had only just begun.

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 8

2011-12-02T22:55:00.001-08:00

I was up early in the morning. Preparations for the surgery progressed. We were scheduled to deliver around 9 but an emergency c-section took precedence over our time and our delivery was rescheduled to 12:30. It was a little nerve racking to wait after such a long night but we made it through. There was nothing else to do. The mood in my room was light. My dad has a way of lightening my spirits in a way that no one else can. I was very grateful that he and my mom were there with us.

My parents and Aaron's parents came to be with us that day. I was so grateful that they were there. I was already hooked up to an IV so the only other thing to do was to check my bleeding time. A woman came in to do that. I didn't know what to expect. She told me that what she was going to do would hurt a little. She proceeds to punch a small rectangular piece of skin from my forearm. Then she monitored how long it took for my blood to slow down and then clot. That little punch stung like the dickens. I passed the bleeding test and she put a bandage on my arm. I still have the scar from that little procedure.

Dr. Fine came in around twelve. It was so good to see him and have him talk with us as well. He had been working behind the scenes with Dr. Johnson and knew everything that had happened. He explained that the safest way to get Abby out would be to perform a t-cut c-section. There would be no outward difference that I could see but a cut in a T shape would be made on my uterus. It would give her the maximum space to be lifted from the uterus swiftly and safely. It would also mean that every baby that I had would have to be delivered by c-section. I consented immediately. Whatever was best for Abby was what we were going to do. I had never had any sort of contraction or felt a labor pain. I'm sure most women think I am crazy for feeling I missed something because of that. Perhaps they are right. Maybe it's just that feeling of normalcy, getting to that stage in a pregnancy that is the draw. It's something I will never know.

Dr. Fine was a very comforting presence. Although I liked Dr. Johnson very much, I was grateful to have my own doctor there. He again told us that because of Abby's size not to be concerned if she did not cry. Babies so small have very tiny lungs. I had thought about her crying for weeks and I really wanted to hear her. I knew it wasn't likely but I was secretly wishing that she would let out a cry for us.

Finally, everything was ready. Our parents took all of our bags to the room I would be going to post delivery. I remember they made me ride in a wheelchair back to the operating room. I climbed up on the table and the anesthesiologist gave me a spinal block in my back. It is much like an epidural but does not have to be reloaded. It also blocks all of the pain. It amazed me how quickly I felt nothing below my ribcage. It was an odd sensation. They were ready to start and hadn't called Aaron in yet. I waited for him to arrive. His face was pale when he sat down near my head. He found my hand and squeezed it. His hands were cold. He didn't tell me then but later he mentioned that when they had brought him in they had already started and he had seen more blood etc. than he would have liked. Luckily, he is a strong man and did not pass out but I'm sorry he had to see that. A blue sheet hides the view from the patient and anyone sitting at the head. I would have preferred for Aaron to have been there with me from the start.

The room was very quiet. The only sounds that I heard were Dr. Fine talking calmly to the team of people around him. He asked me how I was doing. I said I was doing fine. He told me that they almost had her out. I watched Aaron's face and waited. We waited for any sign that she was okay. I heard Dr. Fine say, "She's out!" then, "Oh, Jenny, she's tiny!" Tears came when we heard her tiny cries. They sounded like little squeaky squawks but they were music to our ears. She got out three little cries. It was what I had hoped for. It was that moment when I heard her cry that I knew that she would live. A confidence in that formed very quickly in my heart and the profound peace continued. I knew she was a fighter and I was relieved. It was the first time in months that I knew she would be okay.

The NICU team took her immediately to the warming bed to help her. I could see her being carried to the bed and watched them work on her.  She was so tiny. They were ready to take her to the NICU and I told Aaron to go with her. I was glad that she was in good hands and that Aaron would be there with her. They finished closing me up and I went off to the recovery room to be monitored after surgery.  In the recovery room I replayed everything in my head many times, relieved that the birth had gone so smoothly. I still worried for Abby. She was so tiny with legs no thicker than my fingers. My wedding ring would have fit easily around her leg. I marveled at the miracle of her life and prayed that she would do well.

This is where my own experience in telling this story will not suffice so I will instead rely on other sources for my information.   Aaron followed Abby back to the NICU. We had been given permission by our bishop to give Abby a name and a blessing there in the hospital if it looked like she was not going to live. Luckily, this was not necessary. Instead Aaron asked permission from the doctor to give her a regular priesthood blessing. After she was stabilized they allowed Aaron and his dad, Mel, to go to her bedside and give her a blessing. Aaron's mom, Lauren and my dad were able to stand and watch. My dad had a cold and could not go near Abby. Normally, priesthood holders lay their hands on the person's head when giving a blessing. Aaron and Mel are both very tall and both have very large, powerful hands. Abby's head was so tiny and fragile that they used just a few of their finger tips to gently touch her head. My dad has told me many times that the vision of watching those two mighty men standing over such a tiny baby to administer a blessing is a scene that he will never forget. Hearing about it afterward brought me to tears. I was so grateful to have the blessing of the priesthood in our family and grateful that they were willing and able to perform that duty for Abby.

My mom came to visit me in the recovery room while everyone else was with Abby. My mom talked with me and gave me the news that Abby was stable in the NICU. She sat with me for a minute and we talked. My mom's presence was such a comfort to me. I knew she was worried for us all and oddly her worrying made me worry less.  We had cried together on many occasions leading up to this day and having her there was just what I needed. Our emotions were close to the surface for all of us that day and I don't think anyone in our party made it through without some tears. I felt the calm assurance of the Spirit as they told me how the blessing had gone. So much of what happened that day was a combination of temporal and spiritual blessings that it is difficult to separate the two. The road ahead was unknown but it was clear that we would continue to be led through it.

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 7

2011-12-02T16:46:00.001-08:00

It was the night before Abby was born. We had been told that day that she would need to be born as soon as possible the following morning. Perhaps you can imagine the emotions this brought to the surface. Writing about that night and the following day is difficult even now for me. Some emotions are so indescribable that they are hard to put into words and others are just painful to talk about. Even all these years later I can picture in my mind almost step by step how the rest of that night went. Profound experiences have a way of etching themselves permanently in our memories. This night was made up of many of those.

A medical team's job is to explain the risks to a patient. In situations like ours they have to give us the worse case scenario. This was the case that night. I don't remember everyone that was involved. I am pretty sure it was a resident on the floor, a nurse and a social worker that came into the room to talk to us. It was also Dr. Shapiro, one of the amazing doctors that run the NICU at Deaconess. They had come to talk about Abby. I remember sitting in bed with Aaron nearby being given a paper with statistics on it. It was a spreadsheet containing the rate of survival for infants born prematurely at Deaconess. The statistics on infant mortality, long-term brain damage, eye problems, etc. These statistics were laid out by gestational week. Statistics for babies that were Abby's week gestation had about an 75% chance of survival but because of her small size they were not sure how this would affect her chances. I was grateful for the information but I didn't like hearing anything about it. For a hormone-charged mom about to give birth to a very premature baby, the last thing in the world I wanted to think about was my baby's chance of survival. But I knew that our doctors had a job to do and it was necessary. They also explained that there would a team from the NICU there in the operating room to assist Abby when she came out. They explained that she would probably need a ventilator right away and that she would probably not cry. They would have to take her directly into the NICU to get her stabilized.

The social worker explained that any baby 2 pounds or less was automatically placed on Social Security Disability Insurance because of the immense amount of problems that they tend to have and the frequency with which they have developmental, physical and cognitive problems. The social worker started the paperwork for that right away. She would receive $30 a month while she was in the hospital and it would also allow her medical expenses to be paid for by the Medicaid program. We were very grateful that this was in place. The cost for her care would be astronomical and far beyond our ability to pay out of pocket. It was also another indication that Abby's size would be a factor in her overall chances. We felt very blessed to live in a country where this help was available.

We were taken on a tour of the NICU. It's hard to explain a place like that. I loved it and hated it at the same time. I really believe that only the most caring and professional doctors and nurses choose to specialize in the care of these little ones. Every person we worked with in the NICU was amazing. A nurse named Lisa was the one to take us on a tour. She showed us around. The rooms in the NICU are enclosed in glass. Each room usually housed four beds. Lisa showed us Abby's bed that was already laid out and ready for her. It was open to the air and flat and wide much like the warming bed that babies are placed on after birth. There is a cushioned area in the center where the baby lies with blankets covering the padding. She showed us the monitors. I looked around at the other babies and saw how small some of them were. When I inquired about the size of the babies I asked Lisa if there were any that were Abby's size. She told us that because of privacy reasons she couldn't take us around and show us the babies but that Abby would be smaller than any of the babies that were currently in the NICU. Seeing how little the other babies were and realizing that Abby would be the smallest was sobering.

We went back to our room and talked to each other about everything. My brother Matt came to help Aaron with another priesthood blessing. I remember little about what was said but I remember how I felt. I was filled with a profound sense of peace even deeper than the night before. I knew that the Lord was watching over us. I knew that He loved me and our family. After Aaron finished and we were alone, he told me that he was confident that Abby was going to be okay, in fact he absolutely insisted on it. I admired his insistance and drew a lot of comfort from it but I was still unsure.

My nurse gave me a sleeping pill to see if it would help me sleep. I fell asleep for a little while but awoke to hear Aaron sleeping and the room dark. It was about 2 in the morning and I could see the numbers from the monitors that were attached to me recording Abby's tiny heartbeat. I had many emotions and thoughts running through my head and sleep eluded me. I felt very at peace and felt that all was well. I prayed many prayers that night, asking for a good outcome if it was His will. I whispered to Abby in the night, talking to her like she was there with me. I told her that she was going to be born the next day and apologized to her for not being able to carry her any longer. I knew that she would go from a world of protection and warmth to one in which she would be poked and prodded. Where she would have to breath through a tube and not be able to be held by us for a long time. I felt very sad for her and for me. This wasn't the way things were supposed to happen. I heard quite a few laboring moms in the darkness, working to bring their babies into the world. What those moms were going through was so normal, so natural. I didn't really look pregnant yet and in the morning I would be delivering my daughter. Even with the sleeping pill, my sleep the rest of the night was random. I would wake up in the dark again and repeat the same pattern. I wished for the morning to come so that I would know.

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 6

2011-11-30T23:11:00.001-08:00

I went in for ultrasounds every few days at this point. We went to each ultrasound knowing that day could be the day that Abby would be born. It was a relief and also nerve racking when she did not need to be delivered. Every time we saw the red ultrasound images we were relieved and our favorite ultrasound tech would call the doctor in and they would send us home. Abby's growth had slowed. She had only gained an estimated 4 ounces in three weeks. She had gone from 15 ounces to 1 pound 3 ounces.  From 24 weeks to 28 weeks a baby should double in size. She was now barely the size of a 24-week-old baby.
The 19th of January came around again and it was Aaron's 23rd birthday. Aaron had said for weeks that if we could make it past his birthday he would be relieved. Our loss the year before on this day was fresh in our minds and I think we both wanted to get past it without incident. We had a good dinner and celebrated with my family. I would go in for another ultrasound the next day. As I had many times before I asked my dad and Aaron to give me a blessing. For those not familiar with our faith, a blessing is given by two priesthood holders from our church in time of sickness or trial. We believe that the priesthood is the power to act in God's name on the earth, to help and bless people who have faith in Jesus Christ. These blessings were a lifeline for me and a constant source of the peace that I needed. There were times during those weeks that prayer was difficult for me. My emotions were difficult to understand and sort out so these reassurances that God was indeed in our lives and knew our situation was very comforting. I had received quite a few blessings over the course of my pregnancy. I was very grateful for the peace and assurance that the words of these blessings brought to me. That night was no different. I felt at peace that night. I felt calmer than I had for weeks. I had given up the idea that I had any type of control over the situation. I had handed it over to the Lord. I knew that whatever happened from then on was His will, not just for us but for Abby as well. My burden of worry was lighter and I felt the sustaining power of His love and the love of my family and friends.
After the blessing, Aaron and I were sitting there talking and he reached for a little Elmo toy that our niece had left behind at Christmas and began playing with it and casually quipped, "I think Abby is about this size right about now." We chuckled but then realized that Elmo was just about her size. It was a sobering thought. That Elmo was tiny.
We had been warned at the previous ultrasound that the blood flow between Abby and I was decreasing. We knew going into our appointment that today might be the day just as we had every time we went in for an ultrasound. I had been given another round of steroid shots to help strengthen Abby's lungs. That day felt different than the other visits for me. I felt a growing sense of the inevitable news and my feeling of dread returned.
Our goal had always been to get her to 30 weeks. That day I was 27 weeks 6 days. Our ultrasound tech came in. She began the exam. I knew the numbers I needed for my amniotic fluid and I knew about the red blood flow images. I watched the screen and watched her face. She was usually talkative but that day she talked very little. I remember asking her questions and watching the screen. I watched her measure my level of amniotic fluid. I knew the numbers were low. Then I watched as she checked the blood flow. The screen didn't show the signs we were hoping to see. Abby was still there on the screen, her heart was beating, she was moving around and I knew by the look on the tech's face that it was time. She was very quiet and I knew she could not tell me anything without the doctor there. She excused herself from the room.
I started to cry silently, knowing that it was not good news. Aaron sat next to me holding my hand and gave my hand a comforting squeeze. We didn't speak much but sat quietly waiting for the doctor. Dr. Johnson came in the room and sat with the ultrasound tech at the machine to confirm what she had seen on the screen. After a minute or two she turned to us and explained our next steps. In summary she said that we had done all we could to slow down the progress of the clotting.  The blood flow from me to Abby was minimal and the thing that is most concerning is that the blood flow from her to me continued. So in essence her blood was coming to me but my blood was not coming to her. She said that the only way for our baby to survive was to deliver her. The earliest delivery they could manage was the first thing the following morning. I was still taking blood thinners and it would be dangerous for me to deliver so close to an injection. Abby still did not show signs of distress. Her heartbeat was regular and she was stable. I would be hooked up to monitors to make sure that continued. We would need to do another round of steroids for her lungs but she would need to be delivered as soon as possible. She also explained that the safest delivery option would be a c-section. This made perfect sense and I was good with it immediately. To me anything to help Abby was what we would do. Dr. Fine would deliver the baby and she would be there to assist him. She told us that I would be admitted right away.
Although we had prepared ourselves for this, when the news came, it was still a startling reality. It was crazy to think that in just a few hours, we would be parents. Our daughter would be born at exactly 28 weeks gestation, a full 12 weeks early. She would have the advantage of having matured to that age gestationally but her size was another issue entirely. We didn't know what that would mean in terms of her chances of survival and no one could really tell us. We walked over to the maternity ward and we found the room I would be staying in that night. I was surrounded by very pregnant ladies and my almost non-existent belly was a reminder of how very different this birth experience would be. I envied their size and wished ardently for the same.   I knew that it was not to be and I was sad, worried, anxious. Ready or not, our baby Abby would be born the next day and nothing we could do would stop it. We had no idea what to expect but we were soon to learn everything we needed to know and so much more.

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 5

2011-11-30T10:30:00.001-08:00

The new year began as the old year had ended. I was in the hospital for four days. My amniotic fluid levels improved, I received my steroid shots for Abby's lungs and I learned how to give myself shots of blood thinner. I had an ultrasound twice during my stay from the same ultrasound tech that had done my previous ones at Deaconess. She was so kind to us and it was a blessing to develop a rapport with her. She showed us the images that she was looking for. We learned that red indicated blood flow. She checked to make sure the blood was flowing between us through the umbilical cord.
I experienced a feeling of wonder knowing what was going on inside of my body. I was grateful that we knew the problem and that we were doing everything medically and physically necessary to help the situation. It was also very frustrating for me. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt and of motherly concern for my little baby. I had been reassured by both doctors that I had done all that I could and that I hadn't done anything to endanger my baby. I remember wishing for some outward sign. It's easier to know there is a problem when you can see something externally wrong with someone. A big gaping wound, a bandage across the face, a casted leg. Instead I felt betrayed by my own body, a body that was silently and inexplicably severing my tie to my baby. Besides the normal feelings of tiredness pregnancy brings I had nothing outwardly wrong with me. I felt entirely healthy and laying in bed was tedious. I did it because I knew that doing anything else increased the blood that flowed through my body making the clots worse and the flow to Abby even less.
We started the waiting game. We knew what to look for on the ultrasound. I had one every two or three days. I was put on full bed rest. I was allowed to make trips to the bathroom and to shower but other than that I was supposed to lay down. My sweet parents invited us to stay with them so that Aaron could attend school and work and I would have someone to take care of me during the day. My mom made me food and kept me company. It felt strange to feel perfectly fine and still have to lay around all day. I gave myself injections of blood thinner twice a day. After getting over the initial shock of intentionally sticking a needle into myself it became more like a science experiment. I learned the best way to give myself a shot in the most painless way possible. After a few weeks of this I got pretty good at it. I know I could do it any time. I am grateful that I no longer have to.
The TV became my friend as did books and my writing notebook. These were the days before streaming Netflix and DVR's. I watched a few episodes of ER until they inevitably had an episode with a premature birth. I watched the episode and looked at the little baby on the screen. It was tiny and probably fake but it made my heart ache. I didn't watch any more episodes of ER after that. My imagination ran wild with anticipation of problems.

I've always been interested in medicine and helping people in that way. Things like that don't usually affect me but my situation had changed. I realized when it comes to a member of your family especially a child, everything is personal. The feelings I felt are hard to describe. My closest description is a unending ache down in my stomach, an anxious knot of not knowing the outcome of a very delicate situation. I felt another baby loss lurking, knowing there was no way to stop it if it happened. I knew how devastating a miscarriage could be. This kind of loss would be far worse. I knew that not all pregnancy ends with pink bows and chubby cheeks. I knew there was a very real possibility that my baby would not survive this. I knew that even if Abby did survive that there was a great chance of lifelong disability or impairment. Sometimes I wished to be ignorant of such things but being educated and having a undying thirst for knowledge gave me the gift of knowing possibilities for my child that perhaps a person less educated wouldn't know. It was a gift and a curse at the same time.
The goal was always to keep her inside as long as possible. 30 weeks was our goal week. If we could make it to that week, her chance of survival and developing problems greatly decreased. She was still very small for gestational age. There was still some growth but not nearly what it should have been. As it was I prayed for any extra day my body would give me. I felt her fluttering kicks. I could tell from very early on that she was a fighter. She was a tiny, tiny baby but she was already making her presence known. She especially liked music and when I would sing she would bounce around like a ball. I talked to her often when I was alone. I talked to her like she was a friend sitting next to me. It gave me comfort to do that. I knew she could probably not hear me or understand but perhaps in some spiritual sense it would help her deal with it like it was helping me.
I was not alone in this trial. Aaron was a constant support and encouragement. We would sit together and talk about what we were going through and about our worries. Like most men, Aaron doesn't deal well with crying. Growing up with a bunch of brothers doesn't prepare you for an emotional wife. I tried to be strong for him. He felt from very early on that things would be okay. He had a tremendous deal of faith in the matter. He reassured me of that many times. I talked with my siblings and my parents often. Aaron's parents were also there and supportive of us. Our ward rallied around us in a way that I will never forget. We had only lived in the Franklin Park Ward for a little while at this point maybe three or four months but it already felt like home to us. The ward held a special fast for us. They prayed in their homes for us. We heard from many of our friends and family who were praying for us and for Abby. There is something wonderfully sustaining in that kind of support. We already felt the presence of our Savior through this trial but having people around to support and care for us made our burdens so much less. We had so many thoughtful and heartfelt acts of Christlike love given to us that it truly buoyed us up. I'll always be grateful for those who went through that time with us.
In some ways we were very fortunate to know some of what we faced. Premature birth (born before 37 weeks) is very common, somewhere around 12%, 1 in 7 births in the United States according to March of Dimes. Most women who have a premature birth go into early labor that cannot be stopped. Many of those births are caused by some underlying problem with the mother or baby and are emergency situations. Our situation was a blessing in this way because we knew that it was going to happen we just didn't know when. I am grateful for modern medicine and thorough doctors. I know that in no other time in history would Abby have survived. She would have died inside of me with no sign of why. I would never have known there was a problem until it was too late. We also had time to prepare ourselves for what we faced. Nothing could completely prepare you but it was at least comforting to know we had things in place for when the time came. All we could do is wait and see what happened next.

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 4

2011-11-29T21:38:00.001-08:00

The first indication of any problem occurred around my 20th week. My ultrasounds in the office had indicated that there might be some issues with growth but because the equipment was older, Dr. Fine said it was something we could continue to watch. He also ordered extra testing for my scheduled 20 week ultrasound where very detailed measurements would be taken on all structures in the body.  This week is much anticipated by all curious parents because it is usually the time that the sex of the baby is revealed. We were very excited to find out what we were having.

I thought I was having a boy. I learned quickly that I have no motherly instinct in this regard. I have been wrong with every one of my children. I knew I wouldn't be disappointed either way but it was fun to guess. It was an exciting day. At the ultrasound that day the measurements that were taken were not up to what they should have been for gestational age. The ultrasound tech was friendly and didn't seem too concerned. She told us that they might decide to change my due date to a later date because I must have calculated my due date wrong. I was due April 22nd, 2003. I knew that this was not the case.  I knew the date of my last period and I also knew that the number of ultrasounds that had been done had showed that she was tracking at the correct gestational age early on. Something had changed. I learned to watch the ultrasound tech's face.  They have a difficult job that requires a lot of technical work. They are not supposed to talk a lot about the results as they are coming up on the screen. They can tell you what they see as far as body parts, etc. but are not supposed to comment on much else. I made it a habit to watch the face of our ultrasound techs almost as much as I watched the screen. I could tell by the studied way that our tech worked that she was being very careful with the measurements.   I didn't know at the time what this meant for our baby but I remember it didn't put my mind at ease.

The appointment continued and we found out that we were having a baby girl! We had decided beforehand what name to give our first child if it was a boy and if it was a girl and Baby Abby was the name that both of us loved. My requirement for all of our names was that we give them good names with good nicknames. I had the experience of growing up as Jenny, not Jennifer and having to always explain that it was not a nickname but actually on my birth certificate. That was hard for a little shy girl that couldn't speak without blushing. I love my name and it's origins. I was named after two of my parent's aunts and wouldn't be a Jennifer even if you paid me good money because of that. But I wanted to give them as many options as possible for the future in case they wanted to lengthen the name out at some point.  Abigail Lynne Martin was the name. We loved the names Abigail and Abby from the start. It seemed to fit her well, though we hadn't seen her face. We had seen her profile and her skull. It was nice to have something to call her when she popped up on the screen.

I met with Dr. Fine a few days later to discuss the findings on the ultrasound. He told me that he would be monitoring me even more closely. He told me that what they had found on the ultrasound concerned him. He explained that we had an excellent baseline of measurements throughout the pregnancy and that there was no mistake in my due date. Abby's growth had slowed down which indicated that she was not getting the nutrients she needed. He told me that he would schedule an appointment with a perinatologist, a doctor specializing in high risk pregnancies. There was nothing to indicate exactly what the problem was and he felt that she would be the best person in Spokane to help us.  She was so busy that I had to wait for three weeks to get an appointment. My situation wasn't dire and there was still measurable growth so Dr. Fine felt it would be okay to wait.   We scheduled weekly visits to his office so that he could do ultrasounds to monitor growth. I researched all I could about what he had told me. I learned a lot about IUGR Inter Uterine Growth Retardation which was most likely what was going on. He had been searching for an underlying cause for my condition but had not found anything that could indicate the problem. It was a little frustrating not to know what was causing it and I wondered what it would all mean for both of us. He put me on partial bed rest that day. I wasn't allowed to do anything strenuous. He told me that if they could not find a way to fix the problem Abby might need to be born early. He thought that we could wait until she was 34 to 35 weeks. This was a shock but it needed to be said. Any premature birth is a cause for great concern. I was filled with dread. I still had faith but a pit in my stomach opened that was hard to ignore. We waited rather impatiently for Christmas to pass so that our appointment with the specialist would arrive. We were surrounded by people that loved us that holiday and it was comforting to have them with us but we worried for our baby and it was the all-consuming thought of those many days.

My appointment with Dr. Cheri Johnson was informative but also scary. I went into see her on New Year's Eve 2002. We met with a delightful ultrasound tech who showed us the information that she was looking for. The main part of the ultrasound focused on the blood flow between Abby and I. Dr. Johnson told us that it was likely that Abby would need to be born earlier than we had previously thought. Likely within the next few weeks. This was very shocking to us. I was a few days shy of 25 weeks gestation, a little more than halfway through the pregnancy. We knew that she had an estimated weight of only 15 ounces not quite a full pound. Giving birth so early to a baby so small seemed like an impossibility.

Over the weeks between my 20 week ultrasound and the appointment that day, Abby's growth had slowed dramatically. She was almost a month behind where she should have been. They were still not sure of the cause of the problem or the reasons why it was taking place. We only knew it was happening. Both she and Dr. Fine thought it was possible that I had a Protein S deficiency. This is a protein in the blood that acts as an anticoagulant, it stops the blood from clotting. Their belief was that this deficiency was causing clots to form in the blood vessels between Abby and me. The only treatment that was available at that time was for me to give myself shots of blood thinner in the hope that we would be able to slow down the progress of the clotting to give Abby the best chance of survival.  I also had low amniotic fluid levels that could indicate further trouble in store for Abby. Dr. Johnson admitted me to the hospital that day to receive my first round of steroid shots to speed up the growth of Abby's lungs. I would also be trained how to give myself shots in my abdomen. They also filled me full of fluid to see if they could raise my level of amniotic fluid. We spent the last night of 2002 in a hospital room at Deaconess. There were tears and prayers said and we decided we were exhausted. I remember waking up to the reflection of the fireworks set off to ring in the New Year on the windows across the street from our room and murmuring Happy New Year to Aaron as I drifted back to sleep. There was no time to wonder what the new year would bring.

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 3

2011-11-29T16:49:00.001-08:00

The next few months were good. We were busy with our new life together, learning how to be married. It was a mostly fun, sometimes difficult process. I think anyone who is married can tell you that marriage takes work, it also takes love and most importantly commitment. We had all of those elements and am happy to say we still do. We were both working and going to school full-time. One of the things I admire most about Aaron is his ability to accomplish his goals. When he decides something needs to get done, he puts all of his time and energy into it. He was determined to finish college in 2 and a quarter years. He had the time and the ability to do it and he worked hard in his classes. We finished for the school year.
In June I was able to go to Girl's Camp, a camp that our church puts on every year for the girls 12-18. I was partnered with an amazing lady. We had quite a long time to talk. She told me stories about her family and about herself. She talked about having children out of wedlock and then contracting a venereal disease that progressed so far that she had to have a hysterectomy at just 25. She cautioned the girls that we taught about taking such things too lightly. The faith she expressed in the process of becoming a parent helped me immensely. It is amazing to me the way someone else's experiences can teach us so much about ourselves. One of the principles I live my life by is to apply other's experiences to my own life so that I can learn and grow without experiencing it myself. I knew that if she could go through such great trials and the loss of so much so young that I could endure whatever came next. Just hearing the struggles she went through and the way that her life changed after she found a relationship with God reminded me what I wanted to do with my life. I knew that I wanted to be a mother. I felt the need for that so strongly. Too many people in the world take being a parent for granted. They don't seem to understand how fragile and fleeting the life of a child is, how short and precious the time flies. They go through their days not realizing the miracle and blessing that resides in their own home and let days go by without expressing love and thankfulness for the privilege of being a parent. I realized that week that I was ready to try again. I felt the peace that comes with making a decision that is right. It was the underlying peace that God was with us, whatever trials came our way.

I learned I was pregnant sometime in August. I was worried about the pregnancy. I tend to worry too much anyway. I come by it honestly. I watched for signs of miscarriage every day. I knew that the farther along I was the lower the risk would be. I found a doctor that I trusted very quickly. On a recommendation from a friend I heard about a group of doctors not far from where I lived. She recommended one of the doctors but his schedule was very full. I decided to see another doctor, Dr. Kurt Fine within the same practice. I was so happy with my choice. The decision would prove invaluable as the months progressed. The care that he gave me and his diligence with my case still amazes me. I know that some people are called to be certain things in life. Dr. Fine's calling is definitely being a doctor. The way that he cares for his patients is a testament to it. I'll always be grateful that he was my doctor through those trying time. It's amazing the level of comfort that it can bring. I know sometimes we are led to find the right person at the right time and Dr. Fine was definitely that for me.

The early tests indicated that everything was great. The baby was growing on schedule. Dr. Fine did a lot of things to help me stay at ease. He tested my blood and gave me ultrasounds often in the first few weeks of pregnancy. It was comforting to see the heartbeat. He also took measurements and things were right on track.

I was scheduled to return to school in September and plans continued so that we would go back together. I felt the need to quit my job at the hospital so that I could reduce my responsibilities. Aaron was working and we had sufficient money from grants and loans to keep us afloat. Aaron came home from work one day and said he wanted to talk about school. He told me that he felt strongly that I shouldn't return. He gave me his reasons and at first I was a little alarmed. I didn't feel there was a need. I was already slowing down and could certainly finish some classes while pregnant. He told me it was my decision but that he felt certain that it was the right thing.

I have always been independently minded and tend to get defensive when someone wants to tell me what I can and can't do and I don't like anyone telling me what to do. I knew that he had good intentions but I had a hard time hearing it. I thought long and hard about it. My inclination was to go to school. I wanted to finish my degree but as I thought about it and finally prayed about it, I realized that he was right. We were led to that decision by a loving God who saw what was coming our way. I am glad that we listened.

There were few indications of any problems in those first few weeks. I had successfully completed the first trimester of pregnancy, the usual danger zone for miscarriage and I felt good about things. All things pointed to a healthy pregnancy. I spent my days at home. It was a huge change from full-time student and worker status. It felt strange to not have anything to do but keep up with the household chores. I watched a lot of TV and read books. I kept my mind occupied. I went to my doctors appointments and all was right with my little world.

The Story of Abby - Miracle of Life Part 1 & 2

2011-11-29T14:43:00.000-08:00

My story of Abby begins when I was young. I had a dream of my future. A dream so dear that it is hard to express. I dreamed of my life filled with children. Many children. When we met, Aaron and I determined that we wanted a big family. We quickly chose enough names for six children. We dreamed of the possibilities before us. I imagined blissful, happy days full of laughter. Rearing those children with love. There were many days early in our journey when such a future didn't seem possible. There are many of these moments throughout my days. We do rear our children with love. We laugh and sing and talk together. I live in awe of the blessing of being a mother to my kids. They are each one an amazing miracle, unique and precious in our lives. I take nothing for granted. I know how hard it was to get them here and keep them here. I share this story as a way of healing for myself, as a way to help others that might find themselves in a similar circumstance and also as a way to share the ways in which our children have so richly blessed our lives and the gratitude we feel to our Heavenly Father for their lives. This is our story.

We met after returning from our missions. I served in Tokyo, Japan. He served in Mexico City, Mexico. We had both lived in two of the biggest cities in the world and we both liked little old Spokane and chose to make it our home. We were crazy about each other and some people thought we were crazy. We had a lengthy courtship and engagement of two months before marrying on December 15th, 2001 in the Spokane Washington Temple. I am not ashamed to say that we didn't know everything about each other but we spent every day of that two months getting to know as much as possible. I am also not ashamed that after ten years together we know each other really well. We talked about everything. Finances, kids, what we wanted our family to be. It was a very happy time for us both. The bliss of these happy times were soon to be interrupted by some times of trouble. Life has a way of giving us bumps in our road, hurdles to jump, and gauntlets to conquer. The next bump would throw us off track for a few months and give us a new perspective on our future life.

I found out very quickly that I was pregnant. It was a honeymoon baby and we were very excited about it. There is something about finding out that you are pregnant that brings an excitement like no other. I felt like my dream was coming true. A great husband and a baby to boot! What more could a girl want? We were soon to be disappointed by the loss of that pregnancy. I was barely pregnant when I began spotting and after being checked we found that I had a blighted ovum, an egg that is fertilized but does not form into an embryo. Most women don't even know when they occur. We had a positive pregnancy test but no baby. I miscarried with no complications. This experience was a wake-up call in our lives. It taught us that our life would not be only sunshine and roses. Heartache was also a possibility. It might sound naive but it taught us that we might have trouble keeping pregnancies, a thought that hadn't really occurred to me until that time. I knew everyone had the possibility of pregnancy loss. Many people I know have experienced it. My two sisters had also experienced it. I just didn't consider that this would be one of our problems. I had always just assumed I would have no trouble with it and reality hurt. The worst part of it was the day of the miscarriage was also Aaron's birthday. I remember feeling terrible for him. He had a very hard time with it. But we could only move on with our lives and get back to business. We decided to wait a few months before trying again.

I think anyone that has experienced a miscarriage will tell you that it is really difficult, if not devastating. It is an exciting thing to know that you are pregnant. You imagine the baby that is growing. It is hard not to put all your hopes and love into that precious little bunch of cells. The more I have found out about embryos and fetal development the more I am amazed that it doesn't happen even more often than it does. Life in this early form is a wonder to watch. It is a miracle in and of itself. For me the loss of that pregnancy was very difficult. I felt numb about it and sad about it. Aaron and I had a hard time talking about it.
I closed my heart against having another baby. I didn't talk about it very much but I was struggling. I think I was mourning that loss and the loss of my own innocence to such pain. I was only 24 years old and hadn't experienced a lot of loss in my life. I had lost all of my grandparents and a dear friend's mother but those experiences were not my parents or siblings. They were not my own child. This loss was closer, a part of myself. I also felt responsible like if I had done things differently it would not have happened. I knew it was irrational. I knew that miscarriage happens all the time. Gradually the pain of that loss subsided but from then on I knew that my life was not a fairy tale and that hard things would come our way. Looking back on it I see how that early loss prepared us for what was to come.